Married Peoples: How do you balance division of chores?

[OrganicZed]

For several years now, my wife and I have divided chores such that the number of items on each person's list is approximately the same. While that looks good on paper, I do not believe that this is a particularly fair method. Many of the chores that I have been assigned require more time to complete, are more physically demanding, and must be completed with greater frequency. I can confidently state that an hour for hour comparison of our time spent on chores would show that I spend more time per week on chores than she does.

Before we had a kid and we both worked, the imbalance didn't bother me much because I still had ample free time. Now it feels pretty imbalanced especially considering that my wife no longer has a paying job. She stays at home to care for our son while I work a M-F job that pays the bills. Neither of us wanted kids when we married, so quitting her job to stay at home with a kid has been a big sacrifice. Its not like I don't help with child care either. I am responsible for all child care between the hours of 6 pm to 6:30 am. While it is true that our son is asleep for most of those hours, she gets to sleep through the night uninterrupted while I handle any night time waking.

Earlier this week we ended up having a heated discussion around the division of labor in our house. My wife accused me of treating her as though her time was not valuable and strongly implied (although did not outright state) that her share of the work is is unfairly burdensome. I was kind of shocked considering how I perceive the situation. I had actually been considering broaching the same topic to ask her to take on a few of my chores since she is home all day now. The conversation didn't lead to any changes to our respective responsibilities, but it was eye opening to hear her perspective.

I noticed that she is currently reading the book Fair Play by Eve Rodsky. From what I have been able to ascertain in the bit of time I've spent to get a synopsis of the book, it is specifically marketed to women to provide them with a game plan to help them unload some of their responsibilities onto the man in their life. I anticipate that she will be revisiting the division of labor topic with me in the coming days.

How do you fine peoples go about balancing the chores in your relationships?

 

[Boudoir Guitar]

For several years now, my wife and I have divided chores such that the number of items on each person's list is approximately the same. While that looks good on paper, I do not believe that this is a particularly fair method. Many of the chores that I have been assigned require more time to complete, are more physically demanding, and must be completed with greater frequency. I can confidently state that an hour for hour comparison of our time spent on chores would show that I spend more time per week on chores than she does.

Before we had a kid and we both worked, the imbalance didn't bother me much because I still had ample free time. Now it feels pretty imbalanced especially considering that my wife no longer has a paying job. She stays at home to care for our son while I work a M-F job that pays the bills. Neither of us wanted kids when we married, so quitting her job to stay at home with a kid has been a big sacrifice. Its not like I don't help with child care either. I am responsible for all child care between the hours of 6 pm to 6:30 am. While it is true that our son is asleep for most of those hours, she gets to sleep through the night uninterrupted while I handle any night time waking.

Earlier this week we ended up having a heated discussion around the division of labor in our house. My wife accused me of treating her as though her time was not valuable and strongly implied (although did not outright state) that her share of the work is is unfairly burdensome. I was kind of shocked considering how I perceive the situation. I had actually been considering broaching the same topic to ask her to take on a few of my chores since she is home all day now. The conversation didn't lead to any changes to our respective responsibilities, but it was eye opening to hear her perspective.

I noticed that she is currently reading the book Fair Play by Eve Rodsky. From what I have been able to ascertain in the bit of time I've spent to get a synopsis of the book, it is specifically marketed to women to provide them with a game plan to help them unload some of their responsibilities onto the man in their life. I anticipate that she will be revisiting the division of labor topic with me in the coming days.

How do you fine peoples go about balancing the chores in your relationships?

Honestly? Once kids arrived everything went out the window.

I deal with division of labor by doing shit that needs to be done whether its "my chore" or not; by showing gratitude to my wife when she get's shit done whether its her usual chore or one that is usually mine; by accepting that there is always some stuff that manages not to get done each week; etc. Sounds like you've got one kid that is sub-2 years old. If you keep it at one kid, things might improve, if you add a second kid, this situation is only going to get significantly more strained for you as the years go by.

I handled nighttime feedings pretty exclusively for both of our kids and honestly accepted that the person in the house that really needed the full night's sleep was the one that spent a solid 9+ hours straight having to interact with and manage infant/toddler.

This sounds super dumb, formulaic, and trite -- but there's a reason its formulaic and obvious: instead of a conversation about how much work the other person is doing around the house it sounds like you need a conversation about how each of you are feeling, remembering to use "me" and "I" phrasing, not "you". A kid is overwhelming.

I remember taking our dog on lots of walks with first kid in the carrier on me, after a full day of work and feeling like "man, I took this new job so I'd have more time to spend with my family and a little more time to play guitar and so far it just seems like all I do is take care of shit around the house, make less money, and still have shit for time to play guitar". I grew into it and eventually got things kinda sort of sorted. But as the "mr. mom" in our house at this time, I still feel overwhelmed by it all at times and have moments of wondering whether things are "fair", and then I have an honest 3 minute conversation with my wife and remember "oh, right, we're all in the hurt locker. It's the nature of trying to raise other humans. Shit's hard."

 

[OrganicZed]

@Boudoir Guitar That's a good perspective to have on things. You are correct; our son is 16 months old and surviving the day is always the goal. We are both working hard most days. I think the main reason our first conversation didn't lead to any changes in the status quo was that I explained to her that I also feel trapped in our current situation given the responsibilities I have on a daily basis.

I just don't know how much more I can handle on my plate if she asks me to do more. As it stands, I usually have 45-60 minutes of down time before bed each day where I'm not actively doing a chore or caring for our son while he is awake. I haven't had a single night off since our son was born. She has time to watch TV and read books for leisure every evening as I make dinner, do the dishes, and clean the kitchen. She has time to volunteer in multiple local mom's organizations, go out to dinner with friends, see movies at the theater, get massages, and pedicures. I do the brunt of the child care on Saturdays and she gets to sleep in. It just boggles my mind as to how she could see the situation as being unfair for her.

I'm probably being too defensive here since she hasn't actually asked me to take on more responsibilities at this point. The knowledge that things will get easier as our son gets older is something that I often remind myself of on the more demanding days.

 

[aerial7]

I do 95% of it; I work from home and can juggle both. My wife is a teacher who works twice as hard as I do (for a lot less money), so it all kind of works out as being "fair".

I deal with division of labor by doing shit that needs to be done whether its "my chore" or not

Exactly. Running a household is a team effort and there's simply no concept of fairness.....especially if you have young kids. (Our youngest leaves for college this fall, and I cannot put into words how eager I am to get this nest emptied!)

 

[Boudoir Guitar]

@Boudoir Guitar That's a good perspective to have on things. You are correct; our son is 16 months old and surviving the day is always the goal. We are both working hard most days. I think the main reason our first conversation didn't lead to any changes in the status quo was that I explained to her that I also feel trapped in our current situation given the responsibilities I have on a daily basis.

I just don't know how much more I can handle on my plate if she asks me to do more. As it stands, I usually have 45-60 minutes of down time before bed each day where I'm not actively doing a chore or caring for our son while he is awake. I haven't had a single night off since our son was born. She has time to watch TV and read books for leisure every evening as I make dinner, do the dishes, and clean the kitchen. She has time to volunteer in multiple local mom's organizations, go out to dinner with friends, see movies at the theater, get massages, and pedicures. I do the brunt of the child care on Saturdays and she gets to sleep in. It just boggles my mind as to how she could see the situation as being unfair for her.

The knowledge that things will get easier as our son gets older is something that I often remind myself of on the more demanding days.

Obviously a guitar gear forum is not a place to get relationship advice. Will try to give some perspective:

(1). You're not the first dude to feel really overwhelmed by how much work is involved with raising children.
(2). Having only 45-60 minutes of downtime in the evenings . . . does not sound abnormal to me.
(3). Unless you guys are seriously neglecting your kid, I'm not sure how the whole dinner/dishes/kitchen cleaning time would work out QUITE the way you paint it. If you are cooking, doing the dishes, and then cleaning the kitchen and during that time all your wife is doing is reading a book/watching TV...what is the kid doing in that time?!? So - get a bit more honest about some of that stuff (not with us; with yourself).
(4). If your wife is not going out to dinner with her friends LESS than she did before the kid arrived; that's weird. Different people have different levels of introvert/extrovert so it's hard to say what is an "acceptable" frequency with that, but it should definitely be a good bit less than what it was before.
(5). If you need a Saturday morning to sleep in, or to play guitar, or to go sit in a coffeeshop for an hour, or whatever, pitch that to your wife. "Hey, I could really use 2 hours Saturday morning to clear my head. Do you think you could take the early morning duty?" Don't pitch it as "we need to even this shit up". Same with a night out with friends, or a night sitting at a bar by yourself, or whatever it is you need. Again, its about "I/me" statements and avoiding "you" statements.
(6). If you seriously have not had a single night off since the kid came home, even if it was to out to dinner with your wife, then that sounds weird to me. A partner definitely needs some time to out with their friends away from spouse and kid; but if the partner is making time for that but NOT making time for time away from kid but with the partner...that's...probably a sign that you've got more than just "division of labor" issues?
(7). those mom groups are important. Might seem like social time with moms. They are work, and they pay dividends once kids are school aged.
(8). As the one that goes to work, its easy to see the other partner laying on the couch as her down time and be incredibly jealous of it. I would SO.MUCH. rather my downtime be sitting on the couch reading than having a crappy afternoon coffee break with afternoon work colleagues. But...that's just kinda the way the cookie crumbles? Everybody deserves some downtime. The one with the kid during waking hours gets . . . pretty much no downtime (nap time doesn't really count, honestly) during the day, but does get the advantage of better little "break time" when it happens to roll their way.

 

[Achilles]

Sorry, but

You both do what has to be done.
Including the occasional one party asking the other to discuss whatever may be bugging them.
Sheesh. It ain't rocket science.






Oh, and.....

 

[OrganicZed]

Obviously a guitar gear forum is not a place to get relationship advice. Will try to give some perspective:

(3). Unless you guys are seriously neglecting your kid, I'm not sure how the whole dinner/dishes/kitchen cleaning time would work out QUITE the way you paint it. If you are cooking, doing the dishes, and then cleaning the kitchen and during that time all your wife is doing is reading a book/watching TV...what is the kid doing in that time?!? So - get a bit more honest about some of that stuff (not with us; with yourself).

When I take over at 6pm I feed my son dinner. He is strapped into the high chair in the kitchen. I intersperse dinner prep while he eats. Once he is done eating, I clean him up and then clear down the high chair. He usually likes to run around and play independently for a few minutes, so that gives me the availability to do the cleaning. During this time my wife is usually showering and relaxing upstairs. Bed time is approximately 7pm. I resume dinner prep and cooking after we do the bedtime routine.

That's all I've got time to respond to at the moment.

 

[TSJMajesty]

I haven't had a single night off since our son was born. She has time to watch TV and read books for leisure every evening as I make dinner, do the dishes, and clean the kitchen. She has time to volunteer in multiple local mom's organizations, go out to dinner with friends, see movies at the theater, get massages, and pedicures. I do the brunt of the child care on Saturdays and she gets to sleep in. It just boggles my mind as to how she could see the situation as being unfair for her.

Fuck that, all of it! She needs to see the imbalance. Good luck making that happen though.

I once broke up with someone who felt that my always paying for dinners out, and doing the majority of the driving to see her (1hr. & 45 min. one way), was the way it was supposed to be, simply because she was a woman. At first, early in the relationship, I'd be fine with that. But 6 months in, and she made 50% more than me to boot, no fuckin way!

I say that because I'm wondering if there's some sense of entitlement going on. Maybe because she had to do the heavy lifting during her pregnancy perhaps? (Which is not nothing, of course. Just sayin'...)

In my marriage we never had issues over this stuff, and we just sort of took on the 'traditional' roles: I took care of the outside chores (yard work, vehicles, etc.), her the inside, and we worked together on some of that as well, and then did whatever was left over. Although we didn't have kids together, so I guess that's not much help.

 

[PLX]

Including the occasional one party asking the other to discuss whatever may be bugging them.

 

[came the rain]

 

[Achilles]

A marriage is like savings.
You fold the clothes without being asked and that's a buck in your account.
You forget about the load you start the next day and leave it to her? $1.00 withdrawal.

Never let your account get in the red and you'll be good.

P.S. Coming home drunk, starting a big fight, and then blacking out and not remembering any of it
will cost you at least a Jackson - so you better make sure your balance can handle it.

 

[Boudoir Guitar]

When I take over at 6pm I feed my son dinner. He is strapped into the high chair in the kitchen. I intersperse dinner prep while he eats. Once he is done eating, I clean him up and then clear down the high chair. He usually likes to run around and play independently for a few minutes, so that gives me the availability to do the cleaning. During this time my wife is usually showering and relaxing upstairs. Bed time is approximately 7pm. I resume dinner prep and cooking after we do the bedtime routine.

That's all I've got time to respond to at the moment.

Alright, if you've reflected back on this, and the honest situation is: you get home from work at 6pm, wife hands you the kid and basically says "tag, your it" and heads up stairs every weekday, and you put the kid down to bed every night and have done so for the majority of the last 18 months, then we can probably cut this thread short and say: you guys need to see a therapist.

Good luck, dude!

 

[Whizzinby]

Two kid gang checking in.

The mistake you can make is thinking anyone is getting off easy when it comes to having kids. There is the romantic idea of having kids, and then there is the reality. (It’s totally awesome, and completely exhausting)

My wife stayed home with both of our kids until they reached school age. Kids aren’t easy. There were plenty of days I was excited to go to work. My wife also had a healthy amount of respect for me having to grind at work only to come home and have to try to rally to be Super Dad.

Focusing on a division of labor just means you guys aren’t embracing the grind together.

The house doesn’t have to be spotless. The laundry will find a way to get done. Get some meaningful time in with your kids, roll around with the old lady for a bit, and consider the day a success. Everything else is peripheral shit that will only overwhelm you if you allow yourself to focus on it.

Everyone goes through this. You guys will figure it out.

 

[Whizzinby]

Also, buy a Roomba.

 

[JiveTurkey]

Also, buy a Roomba.

This is on my list after a new rider

 

[duzie]

Also, buy a Roomba.

Our Roomba

 

[yeky83]

Also, buy a Roomba.

My wife is against it

 

[HomespunEffects]

We each just do what needs done. I can’t imagine leaving a chore for my wife, especially on days I’m off and she isn’t.

 

[Whizzinby]

My wife is against it

My wife thought it was just me looking for another excuse to buy a gadget, (she wasnt entirely wrong) but she loves the thing now. Everyday, 9am, on the prowl…

 

[Stone]

Our Roomba
View attachment 21834

Cheech its the chores huh!!

Lol