💩Have a baby, they said. It'll be great, they said.💩

[Cirrus]

I've been a real hands on dad, proud of my efforts so far but my daughter's 20 months old and this is the first full weekend wife has spent away from home (She's doing a musical camping weekend, it's proper shit but screw her hope she has a great time )

Naturally I fully intended to demonstrate that I'm perfectly capable of running things in her absence.

So WHAI did my daughter wait until I was out on the drive, loading up the car to go have dinner with my parents, to do a massive liquid shit in the living room, pull open the side of her nappy so it poured down her legs and onto the carpet, get it all over her hands and stand there screaming "TOO MESSY! POO! TOO MESSY!"

Then for her encore, after I got her all cleaned up and was running a bath for her, she did a wee right there on the floor.

So anyway, I've left her in a nearby park with a sign round her neck; "FREE TO A FORGIVING HOME"

 

[the-trooper]

it's proper s**t but screw her hope she has a great time

This sentence confuses me.

 

[paisleywookiee]

Four words, my friend.

“Pet-Resistant Laminate Floors”.

They’re for babies too. Perhaps more so.

 

[JT]

Mojo sent! That Dad life is no joke!

 

[gonzoknife]

I feel for you. Been there, done that 3 times. Mine are all teens now. While they do learn to poop in the toilet other challenges come along like them stopping up the toilets. It was a rarity before kids but is now a regular occuance with the typical "It wasn't me" response from everyone. They usually tell you at the worst time like right before you have to leave to the airport, right before you're going to sleep, etc.... Let's just say they tell you everything at the absolute worst time.

Plus it gets harder to leave them in the park when they're older. They learn how to get home, they text you, etc..... It never ends.

 

[Alex Kenivel]

Ah man liquid shits are the worst. As a father of three and a daycare worker of now ten years I've dealt with every kind of shit scenario there is and I can tell you now, the less time you have a diaper off of a child the better!

And fuck pampers they're garbage

 

[la szum]

It was the best of times. It was the worst of times.

 

[PBGas]

These are fun times! Enjoy because as they get older the sh!t gets more complex!

 

[fretworn]

It gets better… You’ll be her protector, her hero… her everything for a very long time.



Don’t fuck it up

 

[duzie]

Beware of the terrible two’s
But when she reaches the terrible twenty’s

 

[Whizzinby]

It’s not all bad.

I took my kids to the fine arts museum this last weekend. (Ya know, “culture”) One of the exhibits was this light show with LED lights hanging down everywhere and a video being projected on the walls on the sides. You lay down on these bean bags and just take it all in. We all lay down and the show is largely just moving through wilderness scenery. Occasionally a pair of hands come into view. (You know, this is profound stuff) Out of nowhere though, this lady appears topless, bouncing her goods up and down. (“Art”) My 10yo son sits up immediately and blurts out “Oh…my…god”. He looks at me, then back at the screen, then back at me. He smiles from ear to ear, then slowly lays back down. He might have blinked once. My wife is biting her lip and everyone around us is doing their best to not erupt in laughter at this boy-becomes-a-man moment.

I’m pretty sure my son is deeply interested in art now.

Having kids is mostly a pain in the ass, but it has its moments. Enjoy it, they grow up in the blink of an eye.

 

[Orvillain]

godamnit, i fucking love tits.

 

[Orvillain]

This is how you handle a dirty child.

 

[Orvillain]

Wait.. that came out all sorts of wrong, and I wish I could take it back.

 

[Jarick]

I'm past that stage by a couple years now, thankfully. Mine are 4, 8, and 14.

I don't think I ever had one of those incidents, not that I remember anyway. My cat shits all over the floor like 2-3 times a day and I had to completely redo my basement because of it. But the kids weren't so bad.

You know, one thing does come to mind, when my oldest was about two years old or a little younger. My ex and I were fighting (as usual) and decided to do some kind of "trial separation". I was going to stay with my parents for a week and she'd stay at the apartment with the kid, then we flipped and I'd stay at the apartment for a week with the kid and she'd stay with her mom (more likely her boyfriend on the side though).

I was beyond broke and trying to plan how I would keep us fed on like $30 a week. I decided to try a box of hamburger helper with some ground beef and frozen veggies. Kid ate like a champ and I was super proud of myself for getting two nights of dinner for about $5. Then I had to change his diaper, and it was like orange rice. Never again.

Never again.

Side note, that kid hit his first home run in travel league baseball this weekend, then left the house by himself for the first time to meet up with friends last evening. Those first couple years are a bit gross but they get pretty fun down the road.

Oh yeah, now some other crib incidents are coming back to me. Honestly I just blocked them all out.

Oh, and some projectile vomit incidents too.

Yeah, they don't tell you that stuff before you have kids. It's like a "welcome to the club" surprise.

 

[TSJMajesty]

It's like a "welcome to the club" surprise.

I think they want you in the club..., especially your parents.

 

[mbenigni]

 

[BahamaDada]

I feel you.

2 month ol in our household. It's eat, shit, sleep, repeat. Sometimes all four at the same time. You think that isn't possible? You thunked wrong, mothafunka!

Thank god my wife is (at the moment) ahead of it and keeping her nerves. Else... Damn... Nobody prepared me for this.

 

[sleewell]

i miss those ages.

its not really a competition but i dont think anyone had it more crazy than we did. our 2nd was like 13 months old when the twins were born, so 3 in diapers for a while.

goes by fast. now they help out around the house and keep each other company, they are really close which is cool.

 

[Orvillain]

My missus is reet up spout now - due in August. Trying my hardest to drink myself to death, but it isn't working.