Married Peoples: How do you balance division of chores?

[JiveTurkey]

My wife thought it was just me looking for another excuse to buy a gadget, (she wasnt entirely wrong) but she loves the thing now. Everyday, 9am, on the prowl…

OG Terminator is

 

[Boudoir Guitar]

Keeping this thread gear related, flipping stuff at GC instead of the hassle of reverb listing/shipping is the gear-dad equivalent of a roomba.

 

[megametal7]

if shes stay at home and you work full time then its not fair you doing any more work at home…… period! I dont care what anyone says…..

If you both work then you share half and half…..

We both work, and i take care of outside of house ….mowing, chopping and so on….

I do some inside too if shes too tired….. i work 6 days a week, Mon is my day off and evening time no one fucks with that time when its time to thrash….

So, my opinion is


If shes stay at home she has to do all childcare and house work. Exceptions if shes sick….

Im not from west so I dont have same views like they do in west.

Good or bad this is how i am ( 14 years of marriage )

 

[Orvillain]

We've got two kids. I pay the mortgage, and a family loan we took a few years back in order to move house. She pays the bills and buys a good chunk of the food; although I also spend quite a bit of money on food for the family too.

She just paid outright for our flights to Tokyo in the last month, so I can't really complain about our division of finances. It is fairly balanced, and we don't nag each other or try to play the one-upmanship game; which honestly OP, it sounds like your wife has just initiated that game based on the book she's reading.

In terms of chores, she does the majority of it. But given I often work 12 hour days (I know, you wouldn't think it considering how much time I waste on here!) I think is fair enough. I don't do nothing, but I don't do everything either.

Ultimately, you need communication. Sitting and stewing over it silently is a recipe for disaster. Also, don't be taken for a mug. Actually list out everything you both do, and compare and contrast.

For context, we've been together since we were teenagers (2004 !!!) and have been married since 2012.

 

[Rock Chalk]

Since you both work all day, the stuff in the evening should be shared as well......as someone else mentioned, if she's just saying "tag, you're it" when you get home then something's amiss.

 

[SKU]

Happy life, happy wife is a path to disaster in my experience. "We split the 'chores'" only works if she's able to to manly stuff which in my experience is extremely rare. What happens is you both clean, cook, wash etc and then you also do the manly stuff.

 

[Boudoir Guitar]

Also, don't be taken for a mug. Actually list out everything you both do, and compare and contrast.

I like your approach, and don't completely disagree with the quoted statement. But, if no kids were involved and I found myself repeatedly saying to myself "I'm concerned my wife may be taking me for a mug" -- I mean, obviously I'd talk about it, but I'd also be doing some divorce attorney research in the background.

Kids involved and its to the point where the conversation needs to get to a point-by-point breakdown of who is doing what and whether its fair...strongly encourage enlisting the help of a disinterested third party to facilitate that conversation (therapist).

If both OP and wife are not happy, and basic shit like putting your child to bed is seen as such a chore that it needs to be negotiated, then for the sake of the kid you both need a reset in terms of how you're approaching this. I mean, I was always grateful for the nights it wasn't my job to plop down in the bean bag chair with a 1 and 2 year old climbing on me to read the same book I'd already read 48 times, but I also can't imagine going more than a week without doing it and not missing it?

"Happy wife happy life" is kinda trite as a prescription, but it is pretty spot on in terms of diagnostics: if you're doing what seems to you to be more than average and either your wife isn't happy, or your life isn't happy, then a serious reset in mentality on the part of one or both folks is likely needed.

 

[la szum]

Another reminder to keep your women illiterate.



I keed! I keed! Dark humour day!

I dated a gal once who bought me a book, "Finding God Through Sex." No. For real.



I am not sure what she was implying to me with that "gift." I certainly didn't ask for it.
She did like the coitus. Maybe a little too much. If that is possible. No. It's not possible.

We didn't last. I kind of miss her now that I think about it.

We all should know reading is both dangerous and revolutionary. There's a reason Priests
tried to keep their flocks dumb and out of touch. "We'll mediate reality for you," is never
a good thing in the long run, is it?

Best of luck OP and all your other matrimonial peeps!

 

[OrganicZed]

Two kid gang checking in.

The mistake you can make is thinking anyone is getting off easy when it comes to having kids. There is the romantic idea of having kids, and then there is the reality. (It’s totally awesome, and completely exhausting)

My wife stayed home with both of our kids until they reached school age. Kids aren’t easy. There were plenty of days I was excited to go to work. My wife also had a healthy amount of respect for me having to grind at work only to come home and have to try to rally to be Super Dad.

Focusing on a division of labor just means you guys aren’t embracing the grind together.

The house doesn’t have to be spotless. The laundry will find a way to get done. Get some meaningful time in with your kids, roll around with the old lady for a bit, and consider the day a success. Everything else is peripheral shit that will only overwhelm you if you allow yourself to focus on it.

Everyone goes through this. You guys will figure it out.

I think we might be trying too hard to maintain our standards of cleanliness post kid. I know we both are filth averse. We had previously prided ourselves in how much cleaner our living environment was compared to many of the people we knew well enough to have been to their houses.

Much of the routine house cleaning is on my chore list; sweeping the floors, vacuuming the rugs, mopping the floors, cleaning the bathrooms, cleaning the kitchen, washing and putting away the dishes all fall on my side of the ledger. I have already let my standards slip some, but I might just need accept defeat and realize that I won’t be able to maintain my sanity trying to keep up with all of that.

 

[OrganicZed]

Alright, if you've reflected back on this, and the honest situation is: you get home from work at 6pm, wife hands you the kid and basically says "tag, your it" and heads up stairs every weekday, and you put the kid down to bed every night and have done so for the majority of the last 18 months, then we can probably cut this thread short and say: you guys need to see a therapist.

Good luck, dude!

That is the reality of the situation with a caveat; both do the bed time routine unless she has gone out for the evening. That happens twice a week because that is our agreed upon limit and she makes sure to reach that limit every week. Prior to having our son she would go out between two and four nights a week. I like to stay home and play guitar. She likes to go out with friends and do activities. I don’t have friends in the area and am a classic introvert.

Her stated logic of why it is fair for her to hand me the reigns when I get home is that she has to work 11.5 hours at her job (being a stay at home mom with our son from 6:30 am to 6 pm) while I only have to work eight hours a day at my job and I get a lunch break alone plus the commute to unwind. Her opinion is that I have it easy. I do agree that my task is preferable. Being in charge of the kid all day is very demanding.

I’m not sure I agree that we need therapy, but I could be wrong. I think the source of her feeling of being unfairly burdened in our current situation comes from the fact that she never envisioned herself having kids. She wanted to pursue a career and had always felt bad for her friends who left their jobs to take care of kids. Society in the US really undervalues moms these days and there is a negative stigma associated with leaving a career job to be a full time mother. Now she finds herself in that position and she I suspect she might blame me for it.

I earn more than four times what her salary was. We can’t afford for me to be the stay at home parent. Sure, she could get another job and we could put our son in daycare, but no minimum wage day care worker tasked with watching five kids could possibly provide our son with the love and attention that she does. Plus, daycare is expensive. If she got a job with pay similar to what she had before it would almost be a wash financially. I honestly believe that she would be less happy with her life if she were to go back to work, but she likes the idea of it because she could have a career again. It is a discussion we’ve had a few times.

It could also come from differences in how we were raised. Both of her parents worked and she was largely raised by a teenage neighbor who moved in with her family to help with child care. Not having a stay at home parent was her norm. I had a full time stay at home mom whom I love and appreciate immensely. I think that the childhood my parents provided was invaluable. It breaks my heart to think that we would leave our son at a daycare five days a week day when we can afford to raise him ourselves. Yes, I have expressed this to my wife. I probably need to encourage her more often and tell her how much it means to me that she is making this sacrifice for our family.

 

[OrganicZed]

Also, buy a Roomba.

We have cats who regularly puke and crap on the floor at night. Adding a Roomba to that mix would just result in the afore mentioned bodily excrements being spread in a thin coating all over our floors.

 

[OrganicZed]

“We split the 'chores'" only works if she's able to to manly stuff which in my experience is extremely rare. What happens is you both clean, cook, wash etc and then you also do the manly stuff.

She doesn’t do many of the traditionally manly chores. She will take out the trash if the bin is full. She wouldn’t even have a clue how to start the lawn mower or snow thrower nor does she have any experience fixing an appliance or setting up a home WiFi network. All things mechanical and electronic are strictly my domains. I'm sure she could figure all of that stuff out if she wanted to (by no means incompetent), but those chores all fall to me by default. It is mostly the traditionally feminine chores that we split, although the more traditionally masculine chores that I do were counted in the division chore division.

 

[Blix]

noticed that she is currently reading the book Fair Play by Eve Rodsky. From what I have been able to ascertain in the bit of time I've spent to get a synopsis of the book, it is specifically marketed to women to provide them with a game plan to help them unload some of their responsibilities onto the man in their life. I anticipate that she will be revisiting the division of labor topic with me in the coming days.

Yikes, I just spent some time going through some reviews of this "book", and it's not good, this line seems to sum it up:


"According to this book, all married men are lazy, deceitful jerks, and all married women are sincere and honest in their commitment to the marriage and to the family."

Many seems to be of the opinion that this book will do more harm than good to couples.

The author is married to a multi-millionaire and probably doesn't have a single clue what "normal" people has to deal with.

 

[OrganicZed]

Yikes, I just spent some time going through some reviews of this "book", and it's not good, this line seems to sum it up:


"According to this book, all married men are lazy, deceitful jerks, and all married women are sincere and honest in their commitment to the marriage and to the family."

Many seems to be of the opinion that this book will do more harm than good to couples.

The author is married to a multi-millionaire and probably doesn't have a single clue what "normal" people has to deal with.

The common theme I’ve observed from listening to interviews and podcasts with the author is that she assumes that the man is always the one doing less and executing chores poorly. While that may be true in the plurality of situations, it doesn’t seem like a very good idea to start from that premise when providing universal advice to people whom you’ve never met.

That said, I think Rodsky’s proposed system might actually lighten my burden if my wife decides to give it a try. I don’t think she will like what it means to own a task in the way that Rodsky prescribes.

 

[TSJMajesty]

Whew, from I'm reading, your marriage doesn't sound healthy to me. That you 2 are 'tallying hours', and she's going out nights regularly, feels like a job that would basically be a wash for what you would pay in daycare is a "career"..., you do all the housekeeping except for laundry (was the only thing you didn't say "falls on your side of the ledger"), yet you also get all the 'manly' chores, and that she's reading this book...

All of those things taken together seem to indicate she's quite unhappy, and I bet it's getting 'rubbed in' by her friends.

Just one guy's take, who happens to have read many books on marriage and relationships. I'm just seeing lots of red flags.

 

[laxu]

We have no kids or a house yet, but the only chores that have a clear division is that she handles the plants (I have no green thumb!) and I take care of any tech issues.

I don't think you should be trying to balance these things out like balancing a budget, but consider it a team effort. Maybe try to figure out ways you can both work on the same chore. Can be a simple "I'll wash, you dry" for dishes that don't fit in the dishwasher, or if you are cooking "I'll cut the veggies, you cook <protein>". This way the work gets done faster, you can talk to each other, and both are left feeling satisfied that you got shit done.

 

[Orvillain]

Society in the US really undervalues moms

Honestly, describing being a mother as a "job" is 100% part of this.

 

[Boudoir Guitar]

Okay, if you are alternating bedtime routine it’s not as bad as it sounded. When my wife was home alone with the kids and I got home she was mostly glad to have an adult to talk to. I kinda took over, but we also talked quite a bit about what their day was like. Honestly, the whole 6-7pm time sounds similar to yours except - my wife was also there and all 3 of us were hanging. And dinner was some simple shit compared to what we used to make before kids. It’s the two-ships-passing-in-the-night lifestyle that leaves each of you alone to stew that seems most weird to me.

Reading this post about your Fractal update it appears you have a favorite live preset and 9 not cheap guitars and I have some thoughts. (1) if having the house spotless is important, sell a few guitars and hire a cleaner. Alternatively, sell a few guitars and hire a nanny a day or two a week or something. (2). At 16 months it’s not too soon to start thinking about pre-k. Daycare isn’t an all-or-nothing thing. My wife is director of an incredible pre-k, most of the kids attend 3 days a week 8:30-12. Programming starts at 18 months. While there are a small handful of minimum wage employees, those folks are also doing an education degree. My wife has a masters in education from Columbia and another teacher is at a similar level of education/experience. And I live in the middle of nowhere. I imagine you’ve got some quality preschool opportunities in your area. (3). I’d be exhausted if I was going out 2-4 nights a week with friends. If my spouse were going out with friends 2-4 nights a week AND was like “baby, you gotta do the night feedings. I’m too tired”, there would be a conversation. (4) your mom loved being a stay at home mom. Don’t try to turn your wife into your mom. If she doesn’t love childcare 5 days a week for 11 hour stretches a day, find a different approach. (5) if you see your wife reading a book that you are curious about, “hey, what’s that book you’re reading?” Is always a better approach than searching the book on the internet and asking strangers on a gear forum for their thoughts.

 

[FuzzyAce]

She does 100% of the chores. I watch her while drinking a 12 pk, and the beer must be a perfect 34.5 degrees F (which is part of her chore list, duh).

 

[Achilles]

she was mostly glad to have an adult to talk to.

In our complex there's this really nice couple with 4 young kids. The dad works full time and she's home all day. Whenever I see her out with them I make a point to go out and say hi and strike up a little chat for the same reason. You hang out with toddlers all day and you're going to go a little nuts.