The Struggle is Real

[likitlikeyoulikeit]

Here is the dilemma...

I love playing loud music with other musicians, whom are talented and not ill motivated.

Sadly, other than a handful of times, I have had an extremely hard time putting together a full outfit of mostly adequate, let alone talented.

There were times in my life I quit playing out, or with people because I was very connected to the music I was writing. No one I played with wrote anything, i grew tired of the cover gig schlep....lost the drive to create original stuff too...had a child...changed careers, changed careers again.....got married.....moved twelve times.....lost track of playing in a room with a group of people....and it sucks.

I can never find a drummer, and due to a number of things , I cannot sing to my own standards any longer, which lowers my chances even more.

Now I live in an area that is very musically limited...and I am mildly tethered to my home base of operations. Also, as I've grown older and navigated the endless sea of lies and deceit...I have a very hard time trusting others and developing new personal relationships, just don't have the tolerance for BS anymore. So I don't help the issue.

I spent the last 3 years redoing my rig, repairing my equipment, getting my guitars up to snuff...working on covers and practicing deficiencies.

I sound better now than I ever have....and I have no one to play with ...

I get discouraged and it all feels pointless....it used to be so easy to just jam when I was in my 20s....I miss it. Even though I don't forget all the BS that comes with it.

Sadly, coupled with this, I had some real shitty interactions on some other forums that kind of fucked with me for a long time, culminating in me setting the guitar down and not playing my rig ....

Mainly this has created a depression of sorts ..but very unique. Mostly due to one thing, It sounds so good ..I sound so good ..that I begin to feel it's a shame that I don't play with others....and it is a cycle...and it sucks ...

Excited to plug in....plug in, sound awesome, feel sad and pointless..... repeat.

I jumped off the train about 6 months back....and just haven't plugged back in... I want to.....but I also don't.


Am I the only one that feels this way?


I know Frank said, shut up and play your guitar.....but I feel like there is no end goal... nothing to work towards....am I being an ass?

(Edit - the poll is just a joke ...having fun, not truly serious)

 

[EOengineer]

From an outside perspective I see a lot of focus on the things that you think prevent you from getting to your goal. My recommendation is to focus in on what you CAN DO to get to where you want to be.

I’d be looking at open mic nights in the area - those have always been good for musical networking in my experience. Get out of the house and put yourself in the closest location where musicians gather, and be social. They aren’t coming to you, so go find them. If there isn’t an open mic night, then make one happen - go talk to some bars or breweries.

Alternatively - you write your own stuff. Record it. Put it in a logic or MainStage session as backing tracks and go play with your backing tracks. I see people do this all the time now. Major label acts even.

The long and short of it is that you have to make this happen. This is coming from someone playing all original music in a band in 2024. It’s a lot of work and you’ll get very little in return. It’s a labor of love.

Good luck.

 

[FuzzyAce]

I get what you're saying. I go through my ups and downs but I still try to play as much as I can, I can't just not play for more than 2 weeks it seems.
But I also often think "what's the purpose of playing if I'm not sharing it with anyone?" Whether that be with other bandmates, to an audience or just streaming and posting your own music online. I think it's necessary so you can maintain a purpose for it other than "it's just for my own thrills." I'm guilty of it but I've been trying to share more this last year with posting tracks in this forum at least.
I haven't gigged in a long while, yeah it's hard getting a group together, yeah internal drama makes it a challenge, but man it's fun playing to people that dig what you're doing and having a good time. I'd like to do it again and it takes time to make it work like anything else.

 

[likitlikeyoulikeit]

Also, I must state, I still pick up my acoustic....and I'm not able to record anything at this moment, too cost prohibited. Also, not looking to learn another skill set, such as recording.

It's more of a location and general apathy thing I suppose.

I do appreciate the words from all, and completely agree with them. No excuses, just venting and asking how others deal with this.

Took me 2 days to figure how and what to say about it....but it helped me figure out what I was feeling...so that helped.

 

[Holden Afart]

 

[Holden Afart]

... and considering your username...

 

[likitlikeyoulikeit]

... and considering your username...

View attachment 25544

My wife just said, "you need to send that to me".


Hahahahahahaha

 

[DrewJD82]

When I decided to start doing the band thing again, I had to drop some of the expectations/wants I had in previous years if I was going to do it and keep my head sane.

At this point my only goal is to get with some like minded people and play music we all dig at a decent volume. I have no goals for the music, as long as it’s heavy I’ll be fine.

That eliminates SO MUCH shit from how I used to approach bands. It’s not a big goal to achieve and I’m not hanging my creative hat on it as I can still come home and work in my own studio.

 

[likitlikeyoulikeit]

From an outside perspective I see a lot of focus on the things that you think prevent you from getting to your goal. My recommendation is to focus in on what you CAN DO to get to where you want to be.

I’d be looking at open mic nights in the area - those have always been good for musical networking in my experience. Get out of the house and put yourself in the closest location where musicians gather, and be social. They aren’t coming to you, so go find them. If there isn’t an open mic night, then make one happen - go talk to some bars or breweries.

Alternatively - you write your own stuff. Record it. Put it in a logic or MainStage session as backing tracks and go play with your backing tracks. I see people do this all the time now. Major label acts even.

The long and short of it is that you have to make this happen. This is coming from someone playing all original music in a band in 2024. It’s a lot of work and you’ll get very little in return. It’s a labor of love.

Good luck.

While I do agree with all of this. I must interject that I have, in the past, done the open mic thing...for a long time. Sadly, that is mostly blues based, which is fine, and full of many lead focused players...just looking to jam. This has its place, but not really what I am seeking.

The type of music I like to play, and what I'm into isn't really represented at those types of functions either.

Not too many musicians around me looking to cover OK Computer back to front.

The last project I was involved with was a continuation of a personal project, and turned into my wedding cover band...my own wedding... not a working unit.

Where I live, it is not what one would call population dense. When I graduated high school I had 80 people in my class.

I am going to take many of the things you said to heart. And I appreciate your time and comments.

Thank you

 

[Alex Kenivel]

After our singer/band leader in ColdSol died, I spiraled mentally/musically. We were a tight band with some good guys that when it was swept out from under me, I fought hard to get back into a group to feel that again and instead of achieving it, the group I got into was sour grapes. After that I stopped trying and couldn't stand to pick up my guitar without feeling guilty for some reason or another.

I started doing other things related to guitar and music, like guitar repairs, pedal building, woodworking. That got my head in a creative space again and kept me busy, building my confidence and leaving me comfortable in the bandless position I was in. Then the Do Something projects on this forum started happening and it helped me get back on instruments again.

About a year in I had realized that I found my drive again and started scouring local web connections: CL, FB, Bandmix.. and it had only gotten more and more dismal, harder to find a group that I wanted to be in, so I had to do exactly as Drew said...

drop some of the expectations/wants I had in previous years if I was going to do it and keep my head sane.

Of course I want to be in a heavy original band - I seem to drool out new heavy riffs without trying - but if I want to play with people I have to keep an open mind. I'm currently playing with a bassist, we're looking for a drummer, and we both sing. It isn't my first choice of music to play, not a full band, lacks a bit of direction and plays second Fiddle to the rest of my life's obligations, but it keeps me interested and practiced, for now.

Blues jams are better than no jams.

 

[likitlikeyoulikeit]

This was nice to watch.
Been a fringe mariliion fan for a minute.....mostly due to how they do business. This made me smile.

 

[la szum]

I feel your pain, Brother. And your angst!!

It is real. The struggle that is. I am an rotten optimist at my core, though. Makes me sick
sometimes.

I don't know any other way than to keep plugging (or strumming or sticking!) for as long
as it takes. It's hard to pull your britches up and find hope. Sometimes there isn't any and
all thought of anything turning out ok, let alone great, can be hard to fathom.

I have the same challenges with distance and population density (mostly the lack of it!), but
I also scour ads every day and am constantly trying to make connections. I still am. I still do.
Many of those turn into awful blind dates, or frustrating attempts to squeeze limes and end
up lemon juice. But the only other option is just waving the white flag and giving up, and I
am not prepared for that. Everything good thing I have in my life right now is in my life
precisely because I kept grinding when others would have tossed in the towel. So I keep
grinding.

Even now, with the guys I currently play with, it was a struggle finding a rhythm section, and
now that we have (and they are great dudes!) new struggles pop up with not everyone
agreeing on the direction of the band----or if the band even has a direction. So we are a
bit rudderless right now, and that has me exploring new opportunities and other challenges.
My most consistent rule in music is to NEVER wait on others to shit or get off the pot. I am
not married to other people and their reluctance or hesitation.... or laziness and lack of motivation.

In no way is me clinging to hope a denial of the struggles. So, not trying to blow those off. If we do this
sort of thing (even in denser population areas) there are always struggles to consider. 10 times
out of 10 it is going to be about the people. :lol By people, though, that means us and our own psychology,
too, (i.e., what we want, what we don't, what we can tolerate, what we are willing to give and make a
sacrifice for, and what we have no fucks to sacrifice for any longer :lol ). We have to know what we want.

Understanding our own expectations and abilities is huge--as others pointed out. Then our hope is that we can,
wisely, choose a course to follow that takes those things into consideration, so we don't unnecessarily frustrate
ourselves.

Collaboration is hard, and challenging, but not impossible. And maybe hope is only foolish if we don't believe it
exists, and choose to follow its lead.

 

[la szum]

Here's a thread from over a year ago I started when I was restless and looking
for some new opportunities. I wouldn't read it, because it is quite despairing.

Kind of like a year+ long diary/journal with me trying to find cool people to
make music with. It's brutal.

The "Going To An Audition" Thread

Thought an audition thread might be fun. Mostly because I have one tomorrow night. :LOL: Just when I thought I was gone and retired. :facepalm I was a little excited because the other guitarist's name is "Dave," and he has a warehouse we can jam in, and he has been super responsive to text...

thegearforum.com

 

[la szum]

I am nearly 100% confident that shitshows are pervasive in life (work, business,
relationships, bands) and that we are more apt to encounter a shitshow in whatever
we are pursuing than not. That doesn't mean that non-shitshows don't also exist.
And sometimes a shitshow can turn out ok, and a non-shitshow can turn into an
terrible mess. We just never know in life.

Outcomes are not guaranteed, but the journey is. And we are all on it.

Oh, and ridiculous ideas like covering an iconic album front to back, just because you
want to, are the kinds of fuel that can propel us forward. There are lots of cool and crazy
talented people around here. Maybe crazy and cool enough to be interested in crazy
and cool ideas/projects. Not everyone wants to do the I-IV-V Blues Dirge to the Gates
of Death, or play 90% of the exact same cover material that the band playing next
weekend is also playing. I kind of feel like being unique and different is becoming
more and more precious and rare. Hold to that, I say!

 

[Warmart]

I couldn't avoid the poo emoji solely due to your 1st paragraph. It's fully in support of everything you said, of course.

 

[la szum]

There's a legit reason Plumbers and Proctologists will always have more
work than they can handle.

 

[JiveTurkey]

or play 90% of the exact same cover material that the band playing next
weekend is also playing

 

[likitlikeyoulikeit]

Here's a thread from over a year ago I started when I was restless and looking
for some new opportunities. I wouldn't read it, because it is quite despairing.

Kind of like a year+ long diary/journal with me trying to find cool people to
make music with. It's brutal.

The "Going To An Audition" Thread

Thought an audition thread might be fun. Mostly because I have one tomorrow night. :LOL: Just when I thought I was gone and retired. :facepalm I was a little excited because the other guitarist's name is "Dave," and he has a warehouse we can jam in, and he has been super responsive to text...

thegearforum.com

Believe it or not, that thread kind of led to me joining the forum. That and a couple more....I have read through quite a bit of it....it kind of
led to me vocalizing my strife.

So thanks for the support and kind words.....im trying to come around to being more people friendly as i once was....but it is so hard....my BS meter is hard to ignore .

 

[AutomationBias]

Just sign up for BandMix, put in your details and set it to send you weekly notifications with any bands looking for guitar players in your area. Pretty soon you'll start getting emails with a list of bands looking for flutists and harmonium players. Everyone in these bands will be either 15 or 85 years old. There will also be a list of a dozen people at the bottom of the email with names like gary048278326 who have no profile information at all, and one drummer who is clearly on the sex offender registry.

 

[the swede]

@likitlikeyoulikeit i feel you man…

I have had various quits and starts over the years, most of them in the recent years many times because of the similar reasons as you.
Don’t play out anymore, no friends to play with anymore, since 3 years. Been dad for 14 years and husband since 18 years.

My biggest struggle during these home playing years (did infact play in a band, rehearsal studio, recording, with friends projects during these 14 years) has always been justification towards owning stuff.
As a consequence I could never find a balance with the gear. Naturally this ends up in never being happy.

Last year I had get rid of everything except my 1 electric guitar. I also had to quit coming to this forum even though I love the people here and even though they almost certainly would help me through. But it wasn’t enough. I really had to just quit, pack the guitar up, and stop everything (including this lovely forum). Otherwise I would never be able to “reset” and get out the “beat myself up” behavior.

So the plan was basically to don’t plan, just slowly come back when it feels right and when I’m naturally drawn back to something out of spontaneous interest. It took a year… now I’ve slowly come back to this forum, but keeping distance to pitfalls. Even a forum as good as this has traps for my minds.

Guitar is still untouched. I see that case everyday when I come home. It’s deliberately placed in a corner of my view when i get home. When the day comes that i really want to get it out and just noodle on it, it will feel right. This restraining method seems to work for me, to kill the ghosts in my head kinda. Slowly one step at a time. Because there is only one thing that matters in all of this that is my story.

It’s that I can’t and won’t quit music, no matter how i end up doing it.

And that’s the message I want to give to you. How and why should be guided naturally by your instincts. But your mind needs to be free from ghosts (whatever they are). Because we all have them. We should, and deserve to enjoy music in positive ways.

I can tell you I panicked emotionally when I realized I just have to stop everything for an unknown time. Panic about what if I don’t ever can come back. But I took the steps I needed to do and it felt better than ever.

So yeah. Feel you. You’ll get back into a enjoying place.