It's been a rough two years

[Alex Kenivel]

I know this place has been all fun and games so far. I'm sorry to bring it down but I think this is kind of healthy for me - venting to the public internet

Preemptive apology for incoming wall of text.

As I have been getting older I've been replacing bad habits with better ones, and that lead me to getting out and wanting to gig more. It gives me a sense of purpose, goals, adrenaline on stage. It's a healthy rush and I was trying to have more of that. I have an addictive personality and a depression/anxiety disorder. I'm a typical void-filler.

I joined a busy cover band in October of 2019 that played Funk, Soul, RnB, some 80s pop thrown in, had two regular club gigs and joined just in time for multiple high-paying private Halloween events, followed by Christmas and New Years gigs. Consecutive days of back-to-back gigs, my kind of void-filling. It kept me out of trouble.

Bystanders loved it, people would buy drinks and dance, buy us drinks, hire us for their private parties. Musicians looked at us a little sideways. It wasn't always the perfect situation, we played along to backing tracks programmed on a run down Juno keyboard, along with some other musical faux pas' I won't mention.

The bandleader programmed all the tracks, picked the songs, sang, played guitar, pretty much called all the shots. He was a pretty smart dude and I grew to respect him, and him to I - - and although we had our differences (a staggering age difference one of them) we became pretty good friends. My technical knowledge helped to improve the band and they were grateful for it. It made us sound better and we were all happier for it.

Just as things were getting toight as a toiger, the pandemic lockdowns halted gigs and rehearsals to a dead stop in March 2020. That outlet was gone and we were left at home wringing our hands. I started filling the void with other healthy and unhealthy habits (IR creation, Alcohol). After a few months we were approached to do a fundraiser - better than nothing. After the gig got canceled twice due to weather, our bandleader/singer suffered a stroke, leaving him partially paralyzed in his left side.

No more guitar for him, but his speech recovered very quickly and by spring 2021 he was ready to get back at it. We took a few free block party gigs, one going great, the other being a disaster.

Didn't gig for a while until fall of 2021. More unhealthy void filling.

One of our regular places opened back up but couldn't afford to pay a band every month so those gigs were short-lived, we played maybe three.

Along comes 2022 and no gigs. Bandleader says spot #2 might be opening back up in August. Meanwhile I had been lightweight searching for a second band.

One prospect* wanted full commitment and I didn't want to bail on the August comeback.

Another friend of mine lost their guitarist to red state thinking and I joined up for a gig in June. We started practicing in Spring but as it got closer to June the gig got pushed back to July, then eventually August - on the date of a big private gig (on my birthday no less) for my #1 band. I tell #2 band I can't do it and the drummer's pissed. My friend (bassist) understands and it's water under the bridge. Of course I feel bad about the situation but it was out of my hands.

August 1st I'm at work and I get a text from our bassist telling us that after a small road trip, our bandleader's son had found our bandleader dead in his bedroom, and had been cold and blue for several hours.

Thats all I can muster to say.

*said prospect has been in contact with me and I'm going to get together with them next week for some high-profile October gigs.

#voidfilling #pickledliver

 

[the-trooper]

#pickledliver

 

[SwirlyMaple]

I am so sorry. Sending a big e-hug your way. That is a lot to deal with

 

[the swede]

Hey buddy, wish you the best and keep on fighting and think positively. Take all of this, all the dark stuff… it’s all energy of some form, and use it to heal and to look forward. Sometimes bad stuff hold us back, and they keep coming, pushing us back more, the only way is to keep on going forward.

 

[Alex Kenivel]

Hey buddy, wish you the best and keep on fighting and think positively. Take all of this, all the dark stuff… it’s all energy of some form, and use it to heal and to look forward. Sometimes bad stuff hold us back, and they keep coming, pushing us back more, the only way is to keep on going forward.

This is exactly how I'm trying to proceed with this. On one had I feel like an asshole for jumping straight into another band but otoh it's healthier for me than jumping into another bottle of mezcal

 

[jellodog]

Wow. That really puts things in perspective. It's impressive that you seemm to be able to process and work through it all. Wishing you all the best in the coming months.

 

[la szum]

This is exactly how I'm trying to proceed with this. On one had I feel like an a*****e for jumping straight into another band but otoh it's healthier for me than jumping into another bottle of mezcal

I'll take the Mezcal Swimming Pool off of your hands. :)

I have no healthy coping mechanisms to offer up. Life is hard.... and beautiful, and tragic, and gut-wrenching,
and sublime.

Hope you find some joy and peace in the music making.

 

[Alex Kenivel]

I'll take the Mezcal Swimming Pool off of your hands. :)

I have no healthy coping mechanisms to offer up. Life is hard.... and beautiful, and tragic, and gut-wrenching,
and sublime.

Hope you find some joy and peace in the music making.

I did say another bottle, nothing about the current bottle, mind you!

 

[la szum]

Any recommendations?? :)

 

[the swede]

This is exactly how I'm trying to proceed with this. On one had I feel like an a*****e for jumping straight into another band but otoh it's healthier for me than jumping into another bottle of mezcal

Don’t feel like an ass for that.
I destroyed and put an end to a band that was going good, and felt like shit because of that. But in the end I did the right thing.

The founder (also my best friend for 20 years) had issues with himself
(undiagnosed and self medical substance abuse) and our (his mostly) band dreams were blinding us from his problems that sadly had an direct impact on his family (a wife and two children). Eventually the band itself, unintentionally by us, was causing this family pain and suffering because of his problems.

We did try to help him as best as we could and at some point we were thinking that the band was the help. He even said to us that the band was his way of coping with his problems… but it turned out it was the opposite.

My wife said to me, after a gig that he barely managed to pull through, that I need to wake up. I realized this wasn’t good. So i pulled the plug, called up all the other guys and told them we can’t do this if it’s hurting that family. That’s that. He hated me, still do. But even then, he didn’t even try to turn his life around for his wife and children. And he still doesn’t understand why I did what I did. He lost his family, the band, and me.

Yeah, still haunts me to this day. I lost that family to, loved his wife and their children. I was very close to them outside the band thing. Well. I have to believe I made a good choice, for those two kids. I was part of the problem but I was also used in a way I didn’t realize for very long. They say it’s co-addiction? I’m not an addict, but I’m blind to the issue/problem because of the relationship.

Sorry about the my long story… just wanted to say you shouldn’t feel bad.

 

[SwirlyMaple]

Don’t feel like an ass for that.
I destroyed and put an end to a band that was going good, and felt like s**t because of that. But in the end I did the right thing.

The founder (also my best friend for 20 years) had issues with himself
(undiagnosed and self medical substance abuse) and our (his mostly) band dreams were blinding us from his problems that sadly had an direct impact on his family (a wife and two children). Eventually the band itself, unintentionally by us, was causing this family pain and suffering because of his problems.

We did try to help him as best as we could and at some point we were thinking that the band was the help. He even said to us that the band was his way of coping with his problems… but it turned out it was the opposite.

My wife said to me, after a gig that he barely managed to pull through, that I need to wake up. I realized this wasn’t good. So i pulled the plug, called up all the other guys and told them we can’t do this if it’s hurting that family. That’s that. He hated me, still do. But even then, he didn’t even try to turn his life around for his wife and children. And he still doesn’t understand why I did what I did. He lost his family, the band, and me.

Yeah, still haunts me to this day. I lost that family to, loved his wife and their children. I was very close to them outside the band thing. Well. I have to believe I made a good choice, for those two kids. I was part of the problem but I was also used in a way I didn’t realize for very long. They say it’s co-addiction? I’m not an addict, but I’m blind to the issue/problem because of the relationship.

Sorry about the my long story… just wanted to say you shouldn’t feel bad.

Sometimes the right decisions are the hard ones that nobody wants to make. It takes courage and I’m sure you did the right thing. There are so many tragic stories of people who were left to the problems that many others saw, but nobody did anything about.

 

[JiveTurkey]

Mojo sent guys. Sometimes it's tough having a band vs. just going it alone. Don't beat yourself up too much as both of these situations were our of your hands and it sounds like you did the best you could.

 

[DrewJD82]

I’m a void filler! I’m currently filling it with gear!

Definitely shouldn’t feel like an asshole for jumping into a new band right away, especially in pursuit of maintaining your health!

I joined a funk/rock/R&B cover band last November after not playing in a band for 6-7 years. I just missed playing guitar live, which I hadn’t done in years. After high school I was only in original metal bands and I was mainly singing in most of them, only playing guitar in one back in the early 00’s. The cover band fizzled and I wasn’t upset about it, they were too young and our bass player was a lunatic.

I’ve only played in 2 bands at the same time before, I don’t know how you could handle 3! I really wonder how I would handle having back to back gigs like that; I suppose if it were my income I’d be more enticed to do it…..and I’d definitely have a much more practical rig.

In the last few months the original metal scene popped back to life with several new bars/venues catering to it. Seeing all my friends get back out there has certainly made me want to do it again. I flip flop between wanting to do it and wanting to finish the album I’ve been working on for……too long.

 

[Fireproof]

Ditto what the others said. Don’t feel guilty - sometimes it’s time to look out for yourself. This is one of those times, it seems.

Also - yes, we are a bunch of crazy, sarcastic, weird folks. But there’s a camaraderie here. Lean on us, talk things out, etc., as you need. The worst thing would be for you to think no one cares or you couldn’t vent to us, because that ain’t the truth. You can. You should. Glad you did!

 

[Alex Kenivel]

Thanks yall. I'm no stranger to death and dysfunction so this isn't new to me, but what is new is a more healthier way of dealing with it.

Feeling bad/like an asshole may seem irrational and it totally may well be - my past experiences with anxiety tell me that.

Don’t feel like an ass for that.
I destroyed and put an end to a band that was going good, and felt like s**t because of that. But in the end I did the right thing.

The founder (also my best friend for 20 years) had issues with himself
(undiagnosed and self medical substance abuse) and our (his mostly) band dreams were blinding us from his problems that sadly had an direct impact on his family (a wife and two children). Eventually the band itself, unintentionally by us, was causing this family pain and suffering because of his problems.

We did try to help him as best as we could and at some point we were thinking that the band was the help. He even said to us that the band was his way of coping with his problems… but it turned out it was the opposite.

My wife said to me, after a gig that he barely managed to pull through, that I need to wake up. I realized this wasn’t good. So i pulled the plug, called up all the other guys and told them we can’t do this if it’s hurting that family. That’s that. He hated me, still do. But even then, he didn’t even try to turn his life around for his wife and children. And he still doesn’t understand why I did what I did. He lost his family, the band, and me.

Yeah, still haunts me to this day. I lost that family to, loved his wife and their children. I was very close to them outside the band thing. Well. I have to believe I made a good choice, for those two kids. I was part of the problem but I was also used in a way I didn’t realize for very long. They say it’s co-addiction? I’m not an addict, but I’m blind to the issue/problem because of the relationship.

Sorry about the my long story… just wanted to say you shouldn’t feel bad.

I went through a similar situation with one of my best friends in a band. I didn't do him or us any favors and I didn't know any better. Sometimes you think you're doing good for someone and don't realize what's really going on behind the curtain before it's too late.

I don’t know how you could handle 3!

Not really three solid commitments, although when I started with the cover band in 2019 it was my third band. I'm really addicted to gigging.

Any recommendations?? :)

I've been enjoying a few bottles of Bozal from a parent of one of my recent graduates.

 

[Bob Zaod]

I know this place has been all fun and games so far. I'm sorry to bring it down but I think this is kind of healthy for me - venting to the public internet

Preemptive apology for incoming wall of text.

As I have been getting older I've been replacing bad habits with better ones, and that lead me to getting out and wanting to gig more. It gives me a sense of purpose, goals, adrenaline on stage. It's a healthy rush and I was trying to have more of that. I have an addictive personality and a depression/anxiety disorder. I'm a typical void-filler.

I joined a busy cover band in October of 2019 that played Funk, Soul, RnB, some 80s pop thrown in, had two regular club gigs and joined just in time for multiple high-paying private Halloween events, followed by Christmas and New Years gigs. Consecutive days of back-to-back gigs, my kind of void-filling. It kept me out of trouble.

Bystanders loved it, people would buy drinks and dance, buy us drinks, hire us for their private parties. Musicians looked at us a little sideways. It wasn't always the perfect situation, we played along to backing tracks programmed on a run down Juno keyboard, along with some other musical faux pas' I won't mention.

The bandleader programmed all the tracks, picked the songs, sang, played guitar, pretty much called all the shots. He was a pretty smart dude and I grew to respect him, and him to I - - and although we had our differences (a staggering age difference one of them) we became pretty good friends. My technical knowledge helped to improve the band and they were grateful for it. It made us sound better and we were all happier for it.

Just as things were getting toight as a toiger, the pandemic lockdowns halted gigs and rehearsals to a dead stop in March 2020. That outlet was gone and we were left at home wringing our hands. I started filling the void with other healthy and unhealthy habits (IR creation, Alcohol). After a few months we were approached to do a fundraiser - better than nothing. After the gig got canceled twice due to weather, our bandleader/singer suffered a stroke, leaving him partially paralyzed in his left side.

No more guitar for him, but his speech recovered very quickly and by spring 2021 he was ready to get back at it. We took a few free block party gigs, one going great, the other being a disaster.

Didn't gig for a while until fall of 2021. More unhealthy void filling.

One of our regular places opened back up but couldn't afford to pay a band every month so those gigs were short-lived, we played maybe three.

Along comes 2022 and no gigs. Bandleader says spot #2 might be opening back up in August. Meanwhile I had been lightweight searching for a second band.

One prospect* wanted full commitment and I didn't want to bail on the August comeback.

Another friend of mine lost their guitarist to red state thinking and I joined up for a gig in June. We started practicing in Spring but as it got closer to June the gig got pushed back to July, then eventually August - on the date of a big private gig (on my birthday no less) for my #1 band. I tell #2 band I can't do it and the drummer's pissed. My friend (bassist) understands and it's water under the bridge. Of course I feel bad about the situation but it was out of my hands.

August 1st I'm at work and I get a text from our bassist telling us that after a small road trip, our bandleader's son had found our bandleader dead in his bedroom, and had been cold and blue for several hours.

Thats all I can muster to say.

*said prospect has been in contact with me and I'm going to get together with them next week for some high-profile October gigs.

#voidfilling #pickledliver

Hang in there brother. It's tough to keep a band together and even tougher to get tight without the same people for regs like us. My wife has been the lead singer of the main gigging band I am in and she's burnt out. She hasn't been in it for nearly 40 years like I have. She's barely 10 years in to the band thing. I have to let it go even though I love sharing the stage with her and am so proud of her (she's an introvert) but I have been watching her lose her passion (and had many convos about it w/her) for it for over a year now and I know she's been in "I'm doing it for my husband" mode and I finally asked her to let go and we will figure it out. She's going to finish up our gig obligations for this year and call it. She was very relieved.

She's still involved in one of the Tributes I am in and she's staying with that. That gig only plays like 4 times a year. I will push on because it's therapeutic for me. I have almost always had 3 or 4 irons in the fire when it comes to music related stuff. TBH it's 80% frustration doing the band thing but that 20% that I chase is well worth it.

 

[Alex Kenivel]

My wife has been the lead singer of the main gigging band I am in and she's burnt out. She hasn't been in it for nearly 40 years like I have. She's barely 10 years in to the band thing. I have to let it go even though I love sharing the stage with her and am so proud of her (she's an introvert) but I have been watching her lose her passion (and had many convos about it w/her) for it for over a year now and I know she's been in "I'm doing it for my husband" mode and I finally asked her to let go and we will figure it out. She's going to finish up our gig obligations for this year and call it. She was very relieved.

Wow that's awesome that you have each other to open up to at times like that.

I'm an introvert myself with the anxiety and all, but as my wife tells me "it's a different version of you up there". It's the worst when I haven't done it in a while, and with the pandemic killing my gigs I felt more anxious about the few gigs that did pop up, especially since we didn't know if there was going to be a 'next gig'.

I'm learning to deal with it in healthy ways (mostly), you'd never be able to tell just by looking at me - I keep it in pretty well (which can be unhealthy I guess?) but it just kind of turns into fuel when the guitar is hot and the band is ready.

Another member of the band kept on me to do a short gig at one of our regular spots, without a singer, just us trudging along trying to not whimper like like lost puppies - in front of our singer's kids no less. Like a true introvert I ghosted him until I could build up the nut sauce to tell him that I couldn't do it without most likely having a public meltdown and leaving my gear at the venue - still kinda why I feel dickish about the whole thing. He commended me for being honest and that made me feel a little better.

 

[Alex Kenivel]

I will push on because it's therapeutic for me

Ditto. Looking forward to the Band I am auditioning, I haven't played this much guitar in the past two years. I may have to actually change strings again before October!

 

[Bob Zaod]

having a public meltdown and leaving my gear at the venue

I have done this more times than I care to admit. The first part at least.

 

[Alex Kenivel]

I have done this more times than I care to admit. The first part at least.

Oof I'm there with ya, but lucky me most of my most dramatic issues were at a venue I lived at and help run, so I didn't have to go far or worry too much about moving my gear

On the unlucky side I was at home at the venue and didn't worry about driving anywhere so often added negative fuel to the fire.