The Unofficial Non-owners JOKE thread 🧵

[fretworn]

OBLIGATORY CAUTIONARY Christmas WARNING


Friends, PLEASE BE CAREFUL!

This past weekend I went to a Christmas party in Phoenix.

Of course I had several mixed drinks…followed by a couple of shots of tequila and by the time I was ready to leave I knew I was somewhat over the limit, but STILL had the sense however to do what I had never done anytime in the past…I took a cab home.

Sure enough, there was a police DUI check point on the way home, and since I was in a cab, they waved it past and through without even a glance. I arrived home shortly thereafter without incident.

This was both a great relief and a total surprise because I’d never driven a cab before. I don’t remember where I got it, and now it’s in my garage and I don’t know what to do with it.

Drive safely!

 

[fretworn]

A Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a check-up, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember ..


Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.

'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'

'Sure.'

'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.

'No, I can remember it.'

'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?'

He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'

'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.

Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'

Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.

'Where's my toast?'

 

[TSJMajesty]

In China, do they call a nuclear meltdown a "USA Syndrome?"

 

[fretworn]

 

[-BOOGIEMAN-]

Her: My gynecologist says I can’t have sex
for 2 weeks…

Him: What did your dentist say???

 

[mk5]

Did you hear about the new pirate movie coming out?



I don’t know much about it, but I know it’s rated “ARRRRRR”!

 

[-BOOGIEMAN-]

 

[Achilles]

Horny guy walks into a bar wanting to score. Scopes the small crowd and frowns. Orders a drink and asks the bartender if he's expecting any loose women tonight. Bartender says,
"Nope. But we got ole Joe out back."
Hey! I don't go for that shit! Couple hours go by and the dude is beginning to get desperate. Asks the bartender why there's no babes yet.
"Can't say, but ole Joe is still out back."
I told you, I don't go for that shit! Gets to be just about closing and the dude's balls are busting. Slowly ambles over to the bartender. Hey, I'm considering ole Joe but it's gotta be just me and you who know about it. Bartender puts up his hands to signal wait.
"Well, there's going to have to be two other guys who will know." Puzzled, the dude asks why?
"Need em to hold down ole Joe. He don't go for that shit neither."

 

[the-trooper]

Now would you quote posting bullshit in here

No, and you can quote me on that.

 

[Sleezy E]

No, and you can quote me on that.

*quit

lol

 

[Gearzilla]

 

[Sleezy E]

Lighten up, Francis… It’s a fucking joke …
Would you be happier if I put quotes around it?

Humorless people like you make it impossible to get along. Congratulations on the wet blanket award.

Yes, laughing about someone tearing their Achilles tendon is HILARIOUS, my bad.

 

[fretworn]

Yes, laughing about someone tearing their Achilles tendon is HILARIOUS, my bad.

Yes, the total lack of self awareness wrapped in narcissism… Funny as shit

She is so manufactured I’m not even sure she actually tore that Achilles… She walked off just fine


The irony… Get a funny bone

 

[Achilles]

I’m not even sure she actually tore that Achilles… She walked off just fine

In the first game of the 2008 season Brady tore both his ACL and MCL and missed the entire rest of the year. He walked off the field after the play.

 

[Gearzilla]

 

[Achilles]

@fretworn

Asked my doc about it and he said that most of those types of tears really only affect lateral movements of the joint.

 

[fretworn]

@fretworn

View attachment 13709

Asked my doc about it and he said that most of those types of tears really only affect lateral movements of the joint.

Bro… It was just another joke ….. about the lack of sincerity and authenticity in that cow

 

[Achilles]

Bro… It was just another joke …..

No, the walking off part blew my mind in 2008. I saw the guy's knee pretzel BAD on the replay and then next thing you know they're helping him up and he's limping off. Doc also said the initial shock allows the body to do crazy things. Got in a car accident as a teen and was somehow able to limp out of the ER a couple hours later - still shitfaced. Was bedridden for the next month! Crazy.