The Unofficial Non-owners JOKE thread 🧵

[fretworn]

A store has just opened in New York City that offered free husbands. When women go to choose a husband, they have to follow the instructions at the entrance: “You may visit this store ONLY ONCE!

There are 6 floors to choose from. You may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you CANNOT go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the store to find a husband. On the 1st floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs

The 2nd floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

The 3rd floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids and are extremely Good Looking. “Wow,” she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the 4th floor and sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework. “Oh, mercy me!” she exclaims. “I can hardly stand it!”

Still, she goes to the 5th floor and sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, help with Housework and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the 6th floor and the Sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 71,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that you are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

To avoid gender bias charges, the store’s owner opened a Wife Store just across the street.

The 1st first floor has wives that love sex.

The 2nd floor has wives that love sex and have money.

The 3rd through 6th floors have never been visited....

 

[TSJMajesty]

Good one! Tagging on...

A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.
A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The wife called her husband's 10 best friends. 8 of them confirmed that he had slept over and 2 said he was still there.

 

[fretworn]

A pirate walks into a bar, and the bartender said:

"Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible."

"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."

"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."

"Well," said the pirate, "We were in a battle, and I got hit with a cannonball, but I'm fine now."

The bartender replied, "Well, OK, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?"

The pirate explained, "We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook but I'm fine, really."

"What about that eye patch?"

"Oh," said the pirate, "One day we were at sea, and a flock of birds flew over I looked up, and one of them crapped in my eye!"

"You're kidding," said the bartender. "You couldn't lose an eye just from bird crap!"

"It was my first day with the hook."

 

[Fireproof]

Haha

 

[fretworn]

"Klonsky's Shoe Repair

Ira Kaplan hadn't returned to the old neighborhood since he went off to fight in Vietnam. During a business trip to New York he visited his old neighborhood on 170th street in the Bronx, noting that everything has changed over the years.

Where once there was Edelstein’s Delicatessen, there was now a McDonald’s; where Fleischman’s Dry Cleaning (One-Hour Martinizing) used to be, a Korean nail salon and spa now was; where Ginsberg’s Department Store was, there was now a Gap.

Nothing was the same, except for the narrow storefront of Klonsky’s Shoe Repair, which, dimly lit as ever, was still in business.

As Kaplan passed the shop, he recalled (such are the quirks of memory that he does not know how) that just before he was drafted to go off to Vietnam, he had left a pair of shoes with Mr. Klonsky that he never bothered to pick up. Could they, he wondered, possibly still be there?

A small bell tinkled as he entered the dark shop. Mr. Klonsky, who seemed old 40 years ago, shuffled out from the back. He was hunched over, wearing a leather apron, one eye all but closed.

“Excuse me, Mr. Klonsky,” Kaplan said, “but I used to live in this neighborhood, and 40 years ago I left a pair of shoes with you for repair that I never picked up. Is there any chance you might still have them?”

Klonsky starred at him and, in his strong Eastern European accent, asked, “Vas dey black vingtips?” “They were indeed,” Kaplan only now recalled. “And you vanted a halv sole, mit rubber heels?” “Yes,” Kaplan relied, “that’s exactly what I wanted.” “And you vanted taps on the heels only?” “Yes, yes,” said Kaplan, “amazing! Do you still have them?”

Mr. Klonsky looked up at him, his good eye asquint, and announced, “Dey’ll be ready Vendsday."

 

[TSJMajesty]

Klonsky's Shoe Repair

A pirate with the hook.

Those were both LOL hilarious!! And didn't see either one coming!

 

[jaxadam]

My grandmother was visiting an Indian reservation one time and they said there was an old medicine man sitting under a tree that remembered everything. She walked up to him and asked him what he had for breakfast in 1962. He said “Hmph. Eggs”. She thought that was pretty impressive.

Well, years later she goes back to visit the same Indian reservation and the same medicine man was sitting under the tree. She walked by, put her hand up, and greeted him with “How” and he said “Scrambled”.

 

[Piing]

A store has just opened in New York City that offered free husbands. When women go to choose a husband, they have to follow the instructions at the entrance: “You may visit this store ONLY ONCE!

There are 6 floors to choose from. You may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you CANNOT go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the store to find a husband. On the 1st floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs

The 2nd floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

The 3rd floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids and are extremely Good Looking. “Wow,” she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the 4th floor and sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework. “Oh, mercy me!” she exclaims. “I can hardly stand it!”

Still, she goes to the 5th floor and sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, help with Housework and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the 6th floor and the Sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 71,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that you are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

To avoid gender bias charges, the store’s owner opened a Wife Store just across the street.

The 1st first floor has wives that love sex.

The 2nd floor has wives that love sex and have money.

The 3rd through 6th floors have never been visited....

 

[Alex Kenivel]

A pirate walks into a bar, and the bartender said:

"Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible."

"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."

"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."

"Well," said the pirate, "We were in a battle, and I got hit with a cannonball, but I'm fine now."

The bartender replied, "Well, OK, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?"

The pirate explained, "We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook but I'm fine, really."

"What about that eye patch?"

"Oh," said the pirate, "One day we were at sea, and a flock of birds flew over I looked up, and one of them crapped in my eye!"

"You're kidding," said the bartender. "You couldn't lose an eye just from bird crap!"

"It was my first day with the hook."

I dress up as a pirate pretty often for Halloween. I'm going to have to use this one

 

[fretworn]

Lawyers should never ask a Georgia grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?'

She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me.

You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'

She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem.

He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'

The defense attorney nearly died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,

'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair...!!

 

[fretworn]

It snowed last night...


8:00 am — I made a snowman.
8:10 - A feminist passed by and asked me why I didn't make a snow woman.
8:15 - So, I made a snow woman.
8:17 - My feminist neighbor complained about the snow woman's voluptuous chest saying it objectified snow women everywhere.
8:20 - The g*y couple living nearby threw a hissy fit and moaned it could have been two snow men instead.
8:22 - The transgender man..woman...person asked why I didn't just make one snow person with detachable parts.
8:25 - The vegans at the end of the lane complained about the carrot nose, as veggies are food and not to decorate snow figures with.
8:28 - I was being called a racist because the snow couple is white.
8:31 - The middle eastern gent across the road demanded the snow woman be covered up .
8:40 - The Police arrived saying someone had been offended.
8:42 - The feminist neighbor complained again that the broomstick of the snow woman needed to be removed because it depicted women in a domestic role.
8:43 - The town equal opportunity/fair housing officer arrived and threatened me with eviction.
8:45 - TV news crew from CNN showed up. I was asked if I knew the difference between snowmen and snow-women. I replied "Snowballs" and am now called a sexist.
9:00 - I was on the evening news and called a suspected terrorist, racist, homophobe sensibility offender, bent on stirring up trouble during difficult weather.
9:10 - I was asked if I have any accomplices. My children were taken by social services.
9:29 - Far left protesters offended by everything marched down the street demanding for me to be arrested.

By noon it all melted

Moral:
There is no moral to this story. It is what we have become, all because of snowflakes.

 

[fretworn]

I don’t mean to be a Grinch, however.... to those of you who are placing Christmas lights/decorations in your yards, would you please avoid anything that has Red or Blue flashing lights together!! Every time I come around the corner, I think it's the police. I have to brake hard, toss my margarita out the window, fasten my seat belt, throw my phone on the floor, turn my radio down, and push the gun under the seat. All while trying to drive. It's just too much drama, even for Christmas. Thank you for your cooperation and understanding.

 

[TimOwens316]

It snowed last night...


8:00 am — I made a snowman.
8:10 - A feminist passed by and asked me why I didn't make a snow woman.
8:15 - So, I made a snow woman.
8:17 - My feminist neighbor complained about the snow woman's voluptuous chest saying it objectified snow women everywhere.
8:20 - The g*y couple living nearby threw a hissy fit and moaned it could have been two snow men instead.
8:22 - The transgender man..woman...person asked why I didn't just make one snow person with detachable parts.
8:25 - The vegans at the end of the lane complained about the carrot nose, as veggies are food and not to decorate snow figures with.
8:28 - I was being called a racist because the snow couple is white.
8:31 - The middle eastern gent across the road demanded the snow woman be covered up .
8:40 - The Police arrived saying someone had been offended.
8:42 - The feminist neighbor complained again that the broomstick of the snow woman needed to be removed because it depicted women in a domestic role.
8:43 - The town equal opportunity/fair housing officer arrived and threatened me with eviction.
8:45 - TV news crew from CNN showed up. I was asked if I knew the difference between snowmen and snow-women. I replied "Snowballs" and am now called a sexist.
9:00 - I was on the evening news and called a suspected terrorist, racist, homophobe sensibility offender, bent on stirring up trouble during difficult weather.
9:10 - I was asked if I have any accomplices. My children were taken by social services.
9:29 - Far left protesters offended by everything marched down the street demanding for me to be arrested.

By noon it all melted

Moral:
There is no moral to this story. It is what we have become, all because of snowflakes.

Fricken hilarious. It's sad but true, sometimes you just gotta laugh or you'll go nuts.

 

[TSJMajesty]

I don’t mean to be a Grinch, however.... to those of you who are placing Christmas lights/decorations in your yards, would you please avoid anything that has Red or Blue flashing lights together!! Every time I come around the corner, I think it's the police. I have to brake hard, toss my margarita out the window, fasten my seat belt, throw my phone on the floor, turn my radio down, and push the gun under the seat. All while trying to drive. It's just too much drama, even for Christmas. Thank you for your cooperation and understanding.

None of that's gonna matter if you forget to throw the coke out the window!

 

[Holden Afart]

I told my buddy that I got a new artificial Christmas tree this year.

He asked "Are you going to put it up yourself?"

I said "No you friggin weirdo, I'm putting it in the living room!"

 

[TSJMajesty]

As seen on TGP:
"You bought the device a couple of weeks ago. NDSP didn't fail to deliver anything promised to you; at this point there are isolated tribes in the Amazon rainforest who know what a QC is and what it isn't."

HAHAHAHAHAHA

 

[Baba]

I told my buddy that I got a new artificial Christmas tree this year.

He asked "Are you going to put it up yourself?"

I said "No you friggin weirdo, I'm putting it in the living room!"

I MUST have had a busy day, I had to read that twice, lol.

 

[Alex Kenivel]

I MUST have had a busy day, I had to read that twice, lol.

Not alone!

 

[Fireproof]

I MUST have had a busy day, I had to read that twice, lol.

The subtley is what makes it great.

Reminds me of Christmas Vacation where Chevy Chase brings home a giant christmas tree. His neighbor and wife are standing outside, and the guy, Todd, says “where are you going to put a Christmas tree that big?” And Chevy says “Bend over and I’ll show you.” And Todd replies, “How dare you talk to me that way!!” And Chevy then says, “I wasn’t talking to YOU!”

LMAO. It took me wife a few minutes to understand why I found that so funny…

 

[Alex Kenivel]

The subtley is what makes it great.

Reminds me of Christmas Vacation where Chevy Chase brings home a giant christmas tree. His neighbor and wife are standing outside, and the guy, Todd, says “where are you going to put a Christmas tree that big?” And Chevy says “Bend over and I’ll show you.” And Todd replies, “How dare you talk to me that way!!” And Chevy then says, “I wasn’t talking to YOU!”

LMAO. It took me wife a few minutes to understand why I found that so funny…

Need to watch this again. It's been a while and I think the boy will love it