Covid rant

[Orvillain]

Ughh... gotta get some stuff off my chest. Sorry if this is just self indulgent toss.

The last 3 years have been a bit kazooey for me. I suspect I had covid in April 2020, because I came down with this illness unlike anything I've ever had before. Struggling to breathe, the whole throat+nose stuffiness, high temperature. You know the drill. But I still worked throughout. I'm fortunate enough where I've basically been working from home since 2016 anyway, so I could sneak a few naps in here and there when I needed to, and I just plowed on. My wife had it too. Friends of ours delivered us groceries, and we didn't go out until the prescribed duration expired.

Now prior to this infection, I was relatively fit. I used to lift weights; not huge amounts, and not regularly enough to get proper bulky, but enough to work on my core muscles and to feel pretty good when I bent down to pick something up. I could run 5km quite easily, although 7-10km elluded me for the longest time; I only managed to get a handful of those in the preceeding 5 years. All in all, I was quite active and enjoyed making progress and because I could see progress, it kept me going.

Something I am starting to admit to myself - I have a problem with alcohol. I drink most evenings. This relates to my overall mental health issues, and I guess ultimately I am something of an alcoholic. I really want to stop or slow down/cut it down, but haven't been successful so far.

So... bit more backstory, sorry for how long this is going on.... I caught covid again and tested positive in November 2021. This time it properly hammered me. I was in bed for a week and a half. There weren't any breathing issues, but definite temperature/fever issues, throat, nose, etc. I'm pretty sure I went a bit mental around this time too, because I was a proper arsehole to a friend (who has since stopped talking to me) and I had this fog constantly.

Now I sit here, September 2023... and I've just tested positive again tonight, and I'm feeling really grumpy and sorry for myself.



And I'm thinking about the health weirdness I've had the last 3 years:

• Struggling to hit my PR's for weight training and running
• Even walking around the corner to the local shops will sometimes have me out of breath.
• I've been suffering with anxiety pretty badly the last 2 years; two ambulance call outs for suspected heart attacks, which turned out to be panic attacks. But at the time I truly thought I was going to die. My dad died of a random and powerful heart attack when he was 38, and I was there when it was happening, so this is a bit of a pain point for me.
• Strange moments of dizziness, even when remaining still in bed.
• Moments where my heart-rate will rise randomly for about an hour, and then return to normal.
• I nap way more than I used to, and it is much harder for me to regulate my sleep.
• I move much less, and exercise fatigues me. This has led to a weight increase. In Jan 2020, I was 91.2kg. In Oct 2021, I was 85.6kg. Today I am 100kg, square on the nose. I can walk 10,000 steps at a moderate pace, and afterwards I'm like... "fuck I need a nap!"
• But I also drink alcohol way more than I used to. Tonight is my first night off in months. Genuinely. I feel like such a c*nt for letting it get to this point.
• Another thing that started coming on over the last two years was I started to choke on food. I have a hiatal hernia and a schatzki ring, and my oesophagus was constricting. I lost a bit of weight because I just wasn't eating properly. I started to avoid food because I was scared of choking. I never normally drink Coke for example, but I started to drink it all the time just to basically force food down.
• But then after I had an endoscopy to check for the usual stuff (cancer was mentioned, but thank fuck I didn't have it!) it just went away immediately!?! Like they prized the bloody thing open or something! Or they broke the ring? I don't know. Never been able to get any answers out of the doctors.
• My mum was diagnosed with lymphoma in 2022 as well, so that was a huge source of anxiety as well.

Anyway... sorry that this is so random. I'm just venting my scattered thoughts as I sit here feeling sorry for myself that I have covid for the 3rd time.

I've just turned 39, and in many ways I still live like an idiot teenager even though I am married and have two kids. But also the responsibilities and stresses I have in my life are so much more overwhelming for me than say 10 years ago. I feel awful most days. Back pain, body issues because I'm overweight, anxiety, stress from my job... and I just wonder how much of this could be related to long covid? How much of it is the standard ageing process? I just have no idea at this point. There are too many factors at play, and I'll probably never know for sure. But all of this is making me feel like a proper hypocondriac.

I really miss how I felt when I was 25. That is such a trite twatty thing to say, but I don't know how else to describe it!

 

[FuzzyAce]

Hang in there. Life happens and we just have to keep on truckin' through. You pointed out some things that you know are causing you issues, so the best thing to do is cut back or quit them in my opinion. Drinking is a tough one, but you can do it. I did it and so did my wife. We weren't big time drinkers but we could see where it was going so we just stopped it. I miss how I felt at 25 too! I'm 49 now and my body aches more, and I know I have to be more active and put in the effort. I was huge into sports for many years and ran too. We get stuck in our ruts unfortunately so sometimes we have to make big changes to start on a new course. I procrastinate a lot unfortunately.

The whole covid thing is something I won't get into here -- that's a whole other issue I have very strong opinions on so I'll leave it at that.

 

[mk5]

Man, I am sorry to hear of your health history. Thanks for sharing.

I got the variant once (so far) last year. If I were in your shoes, I would maybe try to consider it a full body rehab and try to work up to baseline.

It may take a bit longer, but you will recover. Get a pulse oximeter and check your oxygen saturation. It should be 95% or higher as normal. If it is, you k ow your body is getting the oxygen it needs on each breath.

 

[Frodebro]

If you’re truly sick and tired of feeling sick and tired, you can make the changes that will get you there. I had that epiphany in 2005 at the age of 35, and have been clean & sober since then. As one of my counselors in rehab told us, you don’t really realize just how bad you felt-until you start feeling good. And I felt BAD-and there was no Covid around back then to add to the misery.

 

[TSJMajesty]

Aging is part of not feeling as well as you used to, but I seriously doubt it is the reason you're having problems.

But you definitely need to tackle the alcohol as a "low-hanging fruit" first step. You're an alcoholic, by all indications, and as such, very few people can quit without help. You'll need to embrace this fact, and if it means getting into a program, whether that means AA, detox, or in-patient rehab, sounds to me like you need it. On top of finding a medical professional who will look at all your symptoms as if they are possibly related.

Hope you get it sorted!

 

[Frodebro]

Aging is part of not feeling as well as you used to, but I seriously doubt it is the reason you're having problems.

But you definitely need to tackle the alcohol as a "low-hanging fruit" first step. You're an alcoholic, by all indications, and as such, very few people can quit without help.

Quitting ain’t easy, but it isn’t impossible, either. I was putting away a 12 pack of beer every evening on work nights, more on weekends. It wasn’t easy at all to quit, in fact it was hard as hell, but it only starts out hard. Then it gets a little easier, then a little easier, then one day you just don’t even think about it anymore. Why am I saying this? Because if my experiences can help someone in a similar situation then I want to pass it on in the same way that the people who helped me did.

 

[jellodog]

@Orvillain Mate, you can talk to me any time. I've had a few troubles myself over the years and I'm happy to listen or even try to pass on anything that I've learned from all this if it could help.

 

[fretworn]

We are legion …

 

[Orvillain]

Bloody Crack Snyder.

 

[Orvillain]

@Orvillain Mate, you can talk to me any time. I've had a few troubles myself over the years and I'm happy to listen or even try to pass on anything that I've learned from all this if it could help.

Thanks man. *bro hug*

 

[Sleezy E]

I got covid the first time in November 2020. I lost my taste and smell for the next year up until January 2022 when I got covid again.

My wife and I both had random bouts of anxiety while we were sick the second time. As well as a few flare ups later. Very strange.

When I recovered from the 2nd bout of covid after a couple weeks, my smell and taste came back! It was amazing, and strange.

 

[DrewJD82]

You can spend a whole lot of time guessing if it’s covid or you can start eliminating things you have control of right now. If you can curb that drinking, a whole lot of weight will get lifted in other areas. What got me in check more than any other aspect of my drinking was the constant depression/anxiety hovering above my head. Even when I was doing anything stupid, I‘d have this horrid feeling of guilt the next day, or days after, which I’d often just chase away. Once alcohol no longer made it go away and instead made it worse when I drank, it was time to figure out why I felt the need to drink like that. Fortunately, I had a pretty good idea and I was right. While I thought I was at the point I’d never be able to touch alcohol again, that didn’t seem to be the case simply because I never felt compelled to drink it for the same reasons I did prior.

I’m definitely getting sick more often than I had pre-covid. I’ll be 41 next month and overall, I believe if I paid a little more mind to a consistent diet and rest, it wouldn’t have happened. We’re getting older, man, our bodies don’t respond to things the same way they used to. The amount of cracking I hear when I get off my couch sometimes is laughable, it’s like bubble wrap in a 6 year old’s hands.

Regardless, this is precisely what therapy is there for. Keep an eye on the esophagus, my father had Barrett’s Esophagus and that was no joke, he had a 17% chance of survival and it took a 20-something hour surgery to remove it, he was out of commission for a year in recovery alone.

It’s easy to let all this stuff compound into one giant ball of anxiety you carry around all day, but it’s all taking up mental energy that you need to not create a self-fulfilling prophecy. I’ve got pllllllllleeeenty of experience when it comes to alcohol/substances and the process of getting off of them, you can hit me up here or on Messenger any time you want, brother.

 

[-BOOGIEMAN-]

@Orvillain - Your post was really informative and it’s good to be able to vent. Perhaps focusing on the things you literally can change yourself by making different/better lifestyle choices would be a good place to start. If you want to stop drinking bad enough, you will, if not, you won’t. I know you can do it, I did it with smoking cigarettes. I’ve never had to overcome something so difficult before after failing time and time again for a couple of decades till I didn’t. As far as Covid??? I don’t think it ever went away, only the reporting on it did and I don’t think it ever will so I’ll not worry about things I can’t control. When I get it again, I’ll do my best to get through it. Hang in there, you’re still young, you got this

 

[TheTrueZoltan!]

So far me and my wife have successfully avoided getting covid. But I am hearing from a lot of people who got it that they are having strange and persistent health issues since then. I think we still have a lot to learn about the damn virus. Mental health issues have also increased dramatically in the last few years. Unfortunately, I can tell a thing or two about that.

I keep my fingers crossed that your third round is mild and that you recover quickly. All the best, man!

 

[northern_fox]

Going on 8 years sober here. Quitting was one of the hardest things I've had to do - it took me a psych ward stay and months of IOP + additional therapy to get there and get my life more in order. I was highly functional but drinking a lot every night for many years - up to a liter of hard alcohol most nights towards the end and just wasn't able to stop on my own despite many attempts. It almost cost me my life in more ways than one and I wasn't really expecting to survive that many more years tbh. I'm 36 now.

But, that said - it was also one of the most positive changes I could have made. Many times now it feels like I've gained a second chance at life and at this point I don't miss alcohol at all. I'm sure it's taken its toll on me, but it could have been a very different path. The struggle of getting sober and staying sober is worth it. Find whatever support is helpful and don't be afraid of therapy or groups, because honest accountability and shared experience is something friends and family may not be able to give you. The hardest part for me was the first few weeks of not drinking and avoiding substitutes/cross addiction.

Remember that regular heavy use also changes brain chemistry, so there's definitely a time element to reaching a point of stable sobriety as it takes time to heal. Exercise is also really beneficial in recovery for both the brain and body! Once I learned that I could in fact live and feel good without it, I began to finally realize that I don't need it.

 

[Alex Kenivel]

I'm sorry to hear about your health issues Drew! Those tummy troubles sound like nothing I've ever been through.

Take control of what you can - I believe that you can curb the drinking but one would have to work hard on feeling that they don't need it. Addiction and neuro divergence run in my family and I deal with it every day and clear thinking is the first step.

Clarity can be found in sobriety and in relaxation techniques. Medication for anxiety may help, it has helped me. I dunno, I don't want to sound like I'm trying to tell you what to do, where to fix what, I'm no role model nor professional life coach but I'm here for you.

As far as being constantly sick, I can't help you there, I work with small children

 

[Snags]

Appreciate your post was more of a "just listen and give me a hug" rather than a "fix me" one, but you've posted to a bunch of blokes, so ... that's you fucked.

You have done a shit ton, and overcome a shit ton, in your life already. I know you won't see it that way when you've got the blues, but I know you also know that's true somewhere inside. It might not be the fantasy life, but it's still a life to be proud of. Apart from the arseholery bits, obvs. When you're tired, down and poorly sick everything is going to look like miserable arse, and the old booze doesn't help that. You can easily knock that on the head though. Just don't have a drink this morning. Then don't have one this afternoon. Then don't have one at 6. Or 7. And so on until it's bed time and tomorrow. Rinse and repeat. And no/less booze will help with the fitness, help with the head space, and help with the health. It's all interconnected and bi-directional.

Anyway, get well soon you miserable bastard. And when you're not a filthy plague carrying leper, you're always welcome up this way, or I can pop down and bore you shitless with old man talk of an evening.

 

[ᛗᛜᛜᚺDᛜᎶ Ꮤᛨᚳᚴ]

I feel your pain @Orvillain , the past 2 years have been the worst of my life in so many ways. I wrote a song titled "Tornado Trifecta" in March of this year about the 3 tornadoes (medical, financial, legal) that are ripping my life apart. The only thing holding me together is music ;~)) Take solace in knowing that it is NOT you and you are not alone! Everyone in the world is being squeezed, compacted like cars in a junk yard. Covid is just one of the factors. I would step away from the alcohol for a bit from what it sounds like. And if/when you return to it, do so as a luxury item from time to time rather than a daily occurrence/necessity. I know it can be difficult, and many will argue that once you quit you should stay quit, but we all have different levels of will power and therefore have different levels of necessity when it comes to regulating substance use/abuse. About a week ago, a friend on another forum was relaying to me some problems in their life, and in response I wrote the song that I am pasting below. I think it is a pretty good message to help cope with the pressures we are going through in this day and age. Best wishes on recovery and prosperous/healthy life for you and yours (and any others reading this post)!!!

Stay Strong - Copyright August 28, 2023 - ANO Publishing, LLC - All Rights Reserved

<Verse 1>
We all gotta cross bridges
As we trek through time
All the rivers and the ridges
And the mountains we climb

We all been through the good days
We've all seen the bad
And so we gotta keep laughing
To keep away the sad

<Chorus>
Stay strong
And strum along
To the world when it's right
And when all's gone wrong

Give in
To the power of notes
When life puts you over
Alligator filled moats

Reach for
Your favorite chord
If the days seems like
A razor sharp sword

Cling to
The joy of sounds
That you can make
And that you have found

<Verse 2>
We all got our own mission
On this spinning rock
Our own definition
Of what to do and what not

We all have our reason
To live another day
But when there's no cohesion
It leads us astray

<Chorus>
Stay strong
And strum along
To the world when it's right
And when all's gone wrong

Give in
To the power of notes
When life puts you over
Alligator filled moats

Reach for
Your favorite chord
If the days seems like
A razor sharp sword

Cling to
The joy of sounds
That you can make
And that you have found

<Bridge>
Music is
A power that gives
Energy in the
World we live
Music is
Our primitive
Communication
Preservative

<Verse 3>
We all got our needs
To give us hope and smile
And at times we lead
A life a bit to wild

We all gotta accept
That doin' so's our right
Or our time will be wasted
With no flame to ignite

<Outro>
Stay strong
And strum along
To the world when it's right
And when all's gone wrong

Give in
To the power of notes
When life puts you over
Alligator filled moats

Reach for
Your favorite chord
If the days seems like
A razor sharp sword

Cling to
The joy of sounds
That you can make
And that you have found

Cling to
The joy of sounds
That you can make
And that you have found

Cling to
The joy of sounds
That you can make
And that you have found

Cling tight
To the joy of sounds
Because the power of music
Makes the world go round

 

[mavrick102000]

Sorry to hear about the health issues. COVID is bizarre in it's own way to each person.

As for the drinking, you've taken the first step at a relatively decent age. You've got to want to quit, then seek help and surround yourself with people who support you.

I quit drinking around your age. I noticed it was heading toward a problem/habit and I started to feel like garbage. With support from my family and friends I quit, it took modifying my routine a bit to adapt and overcome, but I've felt significantly better overall for the last 16 years.

 

[DrewJD82]

Remember that regular heavy use also changes brain chemistry, so there's definitely a time element to reaching a point of stable sobriety as it takes time to heal. Exercise is also really beneficial in recovery for both the brain and body! Once I learned that I could in fact live and feel good without it, I began to finally realize that I don't need it.

This is a big thing that I think treatment centers/programs are still trying to get right in regards to awareness of it before heading into treatment. I understand why they don’t, but I’ve also had some friends revert back to old ways when a few months passed and they weren’t feeling any better. I’m currently taking a dopamine supplement as a result of my past kratom usage screwing with my brain. After I finally quit kratom the last time, I went about 6 months of not being excited about anything, I wasn’t depressed about anything, I was just flat the whole time. It started really negatively effecting me, mainly with motivation. I could be absolutely starving and not want to get up and make food. The supplement actually has me feeling like my old self again.

My best friend has been going hard for over 20 years, like REALLY hard, whenever he cleans himself up he hits the 2 month mark and says “I still feel miserable, instead of having some days where I at least laugh and have a good time when I’m partying, there’s nothing now. I just watch tv all day”, but he’s not doing anything to counteract it, either. It’s all part of maintaining sobriety and mental health. Those first couple months or years, depending on the length of substance abuse, require quite a bit of active care.