Friends vs Bandmates

[itchyfingers]

I joined a band at the request from a drummer friend of mine, been hitting it hard since 2020. He is self taught, and while being very good at playing covers, his idea of creativity on the original stuff is slurring or speeding up the tempo - which is maddening as a guitar player when the "one" keeps sliding around. Lately he seems disinterested in practice, which sucks because it's the only time he sets up his kit and actually plays. Doesn't wanna work on getting shit tight anymore, just wants to gig the material we have. He stated at the end of 2022 that he was moving out of state at the end of the summer 2023, so we started looking for his replacement in the hopes of a seamless transition. Found a guy who has mad chops, really talented, loves to get together to work on the tunes. Old drummer has no idea we have been working with new drummer, and just last week announced he's no longer moving away. So now we need to decide how to move forward. If we want to take the band to the next level, we need the new drummer. I'm convinced old drummer will not take the news well, potentially sabotage the SM accounts, and will hurt to the point of tossing the lifelong friendships he has with myself and the other bandmates.

I have no delusions of grandeur, we aren't gonna be signed and do a world tour. I do this for fun, I have a day job to stress on. For me, its more about the hang with good friends and creating new, original music together. The hang hasn't been that great lately, but I still value him as a friend...

What would TGF do?

 

[sleewell]

go with the better guy

 

[JT]

Bummer. This approach isn't going to work for an original band. If you think he is going to throw a wrench in the socials; I would circle the wagons (so to speak), remove his admin role(s) for those outlets then sit him down. Mojo sent. These discussions are not fun at all.

 

[fretworn]

Do the right thing… Keep your side of the street clean. Sometimes we have to make hard decisions and then leave the results up to G*d.

 

[DrewJD82]

I can’t see any other way but addressing it with the truth of the matter, not without a whole bunch of extra bullsh*t involved. And really, I’d approach it more from the angle of “I want to keep our friendship in tact” more than “We want a drummer who gives a f*ck”.

I mentioned yesterday that the last band I quit, I quit because I knew it was veering on destroying our friendships and it absolutely would have had I stayed longer.

”Hey broseph, we gotta have a talk. You’re a good friend of mine and these conversations aren’t easy, but I want you to remain my friend and that’s why we’re going to have it. Our goals as people aren’t always going to line up and over the last year we’ve seen that yours aren’t really lining up with ours. That doesn’t make you a bad person or less than worthy to us by ANY means, but we don’t feel you’re as enthused about doing this band thing as we are. We’re not trying to be rockstars, but we do want to put some effort into this. Would you think it’s fair to say that your heart isn’t it to as much?“

Just keep it matter of fact. If he gets angry, don’t match his anger, just retain a calm speaking manner because if you both get angry it’ll be another year or so before you ever hear from him again and all you tried to navigate away from will occur. You don’t even have to really comment on his playing abilities, just his overall enthusiasm for what you guys are doing.

Life’s too short, even for the fun stuff, man.

 

[Orvillain]

I'm convinced old drummer will not take the news well, potentially sabotage the SM accounts, and will hurt to the point of tossing the lifelong friendships he has with myself and the other bandmates.

Murder him.

 

[JT]

@Orvillain can always be counted on for the extreme takes.

 

[Orvillain]

@Orvillain can always be counted on for the extreme takes.

It's not my fault!! It's Josh!!!

 

[Gearzilla]

“We thought you were moving so we found another drummer”, “and it’s not fair at this point if we don’t stick with him”. “Sorry”.

 

[JT]

“We thought you were moving so we found another drummer”, “and it’s not fair at this point if we don’t stick with him”. “Sorry”.

"It's not us it's you"

 

[Gearzilla]

There’s always the two drummers route….

 

[Gearzilla]

Even three drummers.

 

[la szum]

I joined a band at the request from a drummer friend of mine, been hitting it hard since 2020. He is self taught, and while being very good at playing covers, his idea of creativity on the original stuff is slurring or speeding up the tempo - which is maddening as a guitar player when the "one" keeps sliding around. Lately he seems disinterested in practice, which sucks because it's the only time he sets up his kit and actually plays. Doesn't wanna work on getting s**t tight anymore, just wants to gig the material we have. He stated at the end of 2022 that he was moving out of state at the end of the summer 2023, so we started looking for his replacement in the hopes of a seamless transition. Found a guy who has mad chops, really talented, loves to get together to work on the tunes. Old drummer has no idea we have been working with new drummer, and just last week announced he's no longer moving away. So now we need to decide how to move forward. If we want to take the band to the next level, we need the new drummer. I'm convinced old drummer will not take the news well, potentially sabotage the SM accounts, and will hurt to the point of tossing the lifelong friendships he has with myself and the other bandmates.

I have no delusions of grandeur, we aren't gonna be signed and do a world tour. I do this for fun, I have a day job to stress on. For me, its more about the hang with good friends and creating new, original music together. The hang hasn't been that great lately, but I still value him as a friend...

What would TGF do?

That is definitely a "sticky" situation. I have no advice.

 

[la szum]

No advice, but do have a story. I was the "groomed" guy once upon a time. Band was auditioning
cats to replace the guitarist who was not very good, was more into finding a lady at the end of the
night, and was causing internal band turmoil. First audition they told me all about it. I got to work
learning material, they were going to finish up a few gigs with the old guy (a couple of which I also
attended on the downlow as an "old friend), and then in a month or two I would step in when he
was let go.

2 or 3 of the people in the band wanted me in ASAP. But as I recall, the Keys player who was kind of
the musical arranger/head of the band didn't want to pull the trigger. I was in touch, but then a
few weeks passed I didn't hear from anyone. I was told the band imploded and the toxic guitar
player lied to some of the spouses that their husbands were sleeping around on the road during
travel dates.

So, while there is evidence to be "nice" and "patient" my experience with those guys told me, "Don't
wait too long."

 

[itchyfingers]

I can’t see any other way but addressing it with the truth of the matter, not without a whole bunch of extra bullsh*t involved. And really, I’d approach it more from the angle of “I want to keep our friendship in tact” more than “We want a drummer who gives a f*ck”.

I mentioned yesterday that the last band I quit, I quit because I knew it was veering on destroying our friendships and it absolutely would have had I stayed longer.

”Hey broseph, we gotta have a talk. You’re a good friend of mine and these conversations aren’t easy, but I want you to remain my friend and that’s why we’re going to have it. Our goals as people aren’t always going to line up and over the last year we’ve seen that yours aren’t really lining up with ours. That doesn’t make you a bad person or less than worthy to us by ANY means, but we don’t feel you’re as enthused about doing this band thing as we are. We’re not trying to be rockstars, but we do want to put some effort into this. Would you think it’s fair to say that your heart isn’t it to as much?“

Just keep it matter of fact. If he gets angry, don’t match his anger, just retain a calm speaking manner because if you both get angry it’ll be another year or so before you ever hear from him again and all you tried to navigate away from will occur. You don’t even have to really comment on his playing abilities, just his overall enthusiasm for what you guys are doing.

Life’s too short, even for the fun stuff, man.

This is solid advice, thanks Drew. Pretty much where my head has been at, but I suck at having these crucial confrontations.

“We thought you were moving so we found another drummer”, “and it’s not fair at this point if we don’t stick with him”. “Sorry”.

This is so simple, I can't believe I hadn't thought of it. I keep thinking about how being kicked out of a band feels unfair, but he did create this situation.

There’s always the two drummers route….

Not when one keeps perfect time and the other refuses to count.

 

[Bob Zaod]

“We thought you were moving so we found another drummer”, “and it’s not fair at this point if we don’t stick with him”. “Sorry”.

This.

 

[TSJMajesty]

Wow, that's a tough one. At the top of the list, no matter what your aspirations are, it has to be fun. It's not, he said he was moving, so you looked for his replacement so as to have a seamless transition. The fact he's now not moving is unfortunate, but I feel like that ship has sailed.

It's time to have a talk with him, because it seems like you're not going to be happy unless you go with the new guy.

 

[Sascha Franck]

Tell him exactly how the situation is. No way around that. You should've actually been doing that before asking another drummer, but unfortunately that ship has sailed. Now the only way to steer out of this more or less clean is by being honest.

 

[Sleezy E]

“We thought you were moving so we found another drummer”, “and it’s not fair at this point if we don’t stick with him”. “Sorry”.

Wow, that's a tough one. At the top of the list, no matter what your aspirations are, it has to be fun. It's not, he said he was moving, so you looked for his replacement so as to have a seamless transition. The fact he's now not moving is unfortunate, but I feel like that ship has sailed.

It's time to have a talk with him, because it seems like you're not going to be happy unless you go with the new guy.

I agree with these points.

It looks like your options are gonna be new drummer or no band at all at this point.

As previously said, sit him down and be honest. He'll inevitably be angry, but there's no need to be angry at him, the conversation will go nowhere when that happens.